Thursday, January 7, 2010

Becoming



One of the issues with illness for me is that when my body aches and is weak the mind tends to turn to negative thoughts about myself. Perhaps this is a manifestation of the mind/body complex at work.  Perhaps just a learned behavior. I tossed & turned a lot last night. Sleep was elusive. The negative thinking mounting. How to turn this seeming disadvantage to my advantage?

At times my mind was focusing on this part that need practicing in Dandelion Wish and blowing this up to my entire musical self worth, even beyond my musical life. Too huge to allow this thought path to gain momentum. For years I beat up on my self about musical ability. Did this come from coming to music relatively late in life as an adult or part of unrealistic expectations of my ego? May have even been deeper, but I'm not delving that far publicly. I watered the positive seeds in my mind but the negative had a good hold on me and continued to win out.

I decided to read at one point around 4 am. There was a copy of the Inner Game of Music given to me nearly 15 years ago that I had recently taken of the shelf . I read it back then but was not able to garner much practical use from the book at this time. Last night I opened it to the chapter on Trust. Ahh. Reading these words my focus was nudged. At some point the authors suggested drawing on positive musical experiences. I visualized some recent performance success and the good feelings and thoughts began to flow. I reminded myself that I am loved, turned off the light, and returned to sleep.

I woke later with the word - Becoming in my mind. I jotted this down and slept more. Becoming, we are always becoming what we think.

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