Trust

Yesterday while practicing Qi Gong in the park with Master Li and others, I was amazed at the relative ease of remaining focused within the movements while standing on my feet for an hour.  I know this is the result of several things.  First we were in the presence of a Master.  Second, there were nine other practitioners besides myself, several of whom have practiced for many years.  The movements themselves are not only familiar to me, but are graceful and gentle.  Qi Gong movements are organized to stimulate our energy systems which has an innate pull to unite our body and mind.

Still we are consistently urged to bring our attention to the physical actions we are performing, else this only becomes a physical exercise.  The use of the mind must be active for the exercises to be effective.  I did find my mind wandering at times, but then I bring my attention back to my hands moving through space or back to my dan tian or energy centers.  And of course the energy of the group supports any of us who has wandered and invites us back to the present moment.

Our practice together lasts at least an hour and frequently goes beyond.  During our teacher training sessions we would go for two plus hours.  Always I walk away refreshed and nourished.  So why does 90 minutes with a guitar and standing on my feet become such a challenge?

The movements in the act of playing are precise and the range of motion with the arms is limited.  Energy blockages form.  While there are repetitive motions, the changes in notes and rhythms place a demand on the brain to recall and execute complicated coordinated movements.  I react to miscues and mistakes, fortunately not to the degree I did at one time, but the mind does get derailed.  Plus there is nothing innate about assuming an asymmetric position to play a guitar nor most instruments.  Finally I am alone so the energy must be generated and maintained from within.

But the good news, though I practice alone in preparation,  I will be joining the Orchestra of Crafty Guitarists for these performances.  The energy of the group will be alive, nourishing and supportive.  And we will be in the presence of a Master. 

For more on the Orchestra of Crafty Guitarist Performances.

Photo by Artondra Hall.

Trust in the You of Now

 

Trust in the you of now

One of  my favorite Oblique Strategies formulated by Brain Eno and Peter Schmidt in 1975. What more could I ask of myself? I am always changing; life is always changing.  I'm not the musician I used to be nor am I the one I will become. Thus I need to trust my intuitions, trust when I 'feel' inadequate and arrive back in the here and now.

Knowing where I am right now a bridge from the possible to the impossible resides.  Arriving, trusting, and moving from where I am is an ongoing process.  A process I must reengage with over and over. Wherein lies the source?  Right here.  Right now.

Waves of Trust

During our morning Qi Gong practice I choose Trust as my word for the day.  As I mindfully traced Trust with my hands in the air about me, I noticed how the "T" had a peak and valley, the "rus" formed waves beneath my fingers, and then again the "t" with another peak and valley.  Smiling as I saw the resemblance to life - up, down, flowing, up, down ...

Adventure

Yesterday I found out about an open mic less than a half mile from my home.  In general I find open mics less than satisfying experiences, but decided that it would be good for me to get out & play in front of some people again. And hey, a 1/2 mile away.

Of course when I woke this morning I began talking myself out of this.  Always a sure sign I need to address a situation.  Writing in my journal I decided to define why I would go to an open mic. First to work on performing - can I get right down to it and make a statement in 10 minutes?  Secondly to network with some local musicians and others in attendance.  Third to do something new.  Next I asked myself what I could work on?  Then later I added I might even sell a few cd's.

But as I readied for going to work, the reality of my obligations and responsibilities began to weigh in.  I had already told Joann we could have dinner at the open mic, so now what?  The this gem arrived on twitter from Jamie Ridler:

       Osho Zen Card of the Day:
           Adventure. Move into the unknown with a trusting spirit and even the smallest things can be    the biggest...

Trust - always a key ingredient, but frequently forgotten.

Changing clothes after work I hit the floor for an AT lie down, packed my stuff, and warmed up for 20 minutes.  The beginning of the warm up was sloppy, mind racing, questioning myself again as to why are you doing this.  Reminding myself to trust the adventure.  We left and arrived at the place in minutes to find a sign by the door announcing that they had tried to get the word out to everyone and that the open mic was on vacation for two weeks.  We entered to see the renovated space of this eatery, examined the menu, and enjoyed our dinner.

Back home much sooner than expected.  Another lie down and some work on right hand arpeggios.  I am continuing to practice in short increments of 15 minutes or so and then another brief lie down to rest my muscle.  The theory I am exploring is that as we improve our use with the Alexander Technique that the muscles we are now using are not used to the work they are doing and require rest.  I suppose as they tire we slip back into our habitual use.  I returned to work with Remember Quiet Evenings and explored some chord inversions that sparked my interest.

One more lie down and I played through two pieces and played with the inversions in RQE.  Deciding that there was something there, I notated what I had.  The adventure was not as I planned, but my attitude remained true, and useful musical work was completed.

                Photo by Jackie Dervichian

Trust is Fragile

Another wonderful Alexander Technique class with David Jernigan tonight. R. has returned from her travels and a new student Rl was also present. This was the first exposure of Rl to the Technique and it was interesting and refreshing to be there with him. I was able to stay with what David was suggesting in words to each student and keep the directions active in my own thinking. I have found this useful in the past and especially so tonight.

After having wrote the above line, I paused and invited myself to lengthen and widen by using the AT directions. When it was my time to play guitar, I choose Kinnara. A simple piece with a haunting mystery when played well. Of late I have been unable to play this piece well. This began during the live recordings last month and I continue to get lost in my thinking or fingerings. Never one to be easy on myself I decided to face the mirror to play. Then I decided to not look into the mirror & go inward. David stopped me & invited me to take in the world. I did but stumbled on the first chord repeatedly. Beginning again one more time I trusted that I could play this, my left hand found the opening chord with ease. After playing David asked me what was different and I told them I was trusting.

When I came home I had no problem beginning this piece solidly five times in a row. After tending to other tasks I again was able to begin this piece well a few more times. So why the difficulty in playing this music for supportive people, two of whom I have grown fond of, and a mirror? What is being reflected that I need to see? What can I not see or will not see?

Allowing the Creative

                                        Photo by M-J-H
Yesterday I dug out the scores for two pieces that were generated this past fall during a period where I was beginning my practice by writing a short piece - what I was calling Frames. There was no structure to these investigations,  just an approach of openness to the guitar and what I might discover and learn. This period was very fruitful yielding 10 Frames, several of which I enjoy on listening back to them. Hence the decision now to learn two of these for possible recording in September.

On my way home from work today I was thinking about exploring the notion of Frames again, Summertime Frames perhaps. Would these investigations have a different musical quality about them? Perhaps. Not only have the seasons changed but so have I. So I decided to begin another period of beginning my practice session with improvising and notating the results. I recalled a suggestion on limits from Stephen Nachmanovitch's excellent book Free Play: Improvisation in Life and Art that I have used many times. He recommends applying two limits to foster the creative process.

I came up with the limits of using only the notes on the guitar between the fifth and the tenth positions using a rhythm in five to begin with. I would investigate this for 20 minutes and then move on to my practice. I actually did this for 25 minutes but nothing musical was materializing. I let go and just began to play. There was music. I played with this idea a bit and then took a short break. When I came back to the guitar I still liked the idea and played with it some more. I then took a much needed walk along Sligo Creek.

The idea continued to play in my mind as I walked. Still not sure what to do to develop the idea I just let myself listen and play with the options in my head. Occasionally the singing of the creek and the insects would filter their way in, but this idea continued to dominate. Continuing to walk quickly and listen to these melodies was joyful. When I returned home I again played with the idea.

There are possibilities I played and I am sure more is available, just not tonight. But I trust the process; I trust the creative spirit. The outcome is not as important as allowing myself the opportunity and the freedom to explore.

Trusting

On Tuesday, the night of my last post I used this as a status update - "Back from a great Alexander Technique class. Trust is one word I took away that is always key when I remember it." Tonight I am seeing that trusting, the action, is the key to success in my next project and most likely in life in general.


I practice because I trust that I will improve from the work undertaken. Be this my guitar practice, meditation, Alexander Technique, or how I chop vegetables, I know that they all support one another. Acts of quality interpenetrate everything we do; everything in the world. By trusting that my body is free, my mind clear, and my heart open and available to music, I can play. 

Photo by Kevin Dooley

Go to the Mirror Boy

                                  Photo by Sukanto Debnath

The themes of this piece by The Who crashing through my mind, those power chords urging my body to move as I title this post. Like Tommy I have recently had to go to the mirror to find something about myself. Looks as if this search will take more than one trip which is fine, especially since the message I found in the mirror tonight was one of process. I must be with the process and trust the process. Then the freedom I am looking for becomes possible.

David Jernigan the Alexander Technique I have been studying with has a wide full length mirror in his practice studio where he gives his lessons. Three weeks ago I turned to face this mirror during the lesson as I was preparing to play. There was David and another student in the room and me in the mirror. I found this experience of performing in front of the mirror very unnerving. Very difficult to look into my eyes with others watching me. I eventually turned away from the mirror at David's suggestion that evening. A little too much was going on and I was lost.

Last week I again confronted the mirror during a lesson with just David and myself. I can no longer accurately consult this particular experience but I was eventually able to play through an entire piece in the mirror. David's hands guiding me, showing me possibilities of lengthening and widening.

Tonight in class with two other students I again choose to turn to the mirror. I was attempting to give the directions but wanted badly to pull this off. And of course I did not. Began a different piece but still too much. David worked with me on lengthening and drew my attention to the room, but still the ability to play eluded me.

I stepped to the side and began again. Finding my body and my breath. While directing my neck to be free I connected with my guitar and began to play Here We Are, a piece that begins simply enough. I could now hear myself playing and then slowly I moved towards the mirror. I played. By going stepwise through the process I was able to accomplish the task.

My earlier efforts were grasping at the music. My mind was wandering, instead of either being quiet or thinking constructively. I realize now I always have the permission to take the time I need to become present while in the class, yet my end gaining takes over. I want to be able to manifest my awareness and take off.

As David was working with another student I heard him say " If the mind will not be empty, it is better to direct our thinking constructively." He went on to add to "use only as much thinking as necessary." Focus on the music and trust the Alexander process to support your playing.

This last comment on trust helped me recall a conversation I had with Robert in October of last year. He told me of an experience where he knew that he could always trust music to be available. The question remains can I be available to music?

As the song from Tommy said: " No machine can give the kind of stimulation needed to remove his inner block." With this I agree.  I am finding through my meditation practice, Qi Gong, and the Alexander Technique there lies a range of possibilities that previously have been hidden. Back to the mirror.

Oblique Strategy for 3.12.10

This Oblique Strategy presented itself to me this evening - "Trust in the you of now." With that even though the hour was late and I was tired I was off to the basement. Good practice session, begun with  four improvisations. The quality of these appeared to decline as I began thinking too much. Judging my playing is probably a better characterization of the decline. 


There is that fine line of being honest and harsh that can dampen my pursuits at any given moment. Moved onto looking at some pieces, focusing on the Alexander Technique primary directions while playing. Was able to maintain a level of relaxation that was useful and most likely propelled me for a longer session than my tired body would have allowed otherwise.

Becoming

http://www.flickr.com/photos/phill_dvsn/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

One of the issues with illness for me is that when my body aches and is weak the mind tends to turn to negative thoughts about myself. Perhaps this is a manifestation of the mind/body complex at work.  Perhaps just a learned behavior. I tossed & turned a lot last night. Sleep was elusive. The negative thinking mounting. How to turn this seeming disadvantage to my advantage?

At times my mind was focusing on this part that need practicing in Dandelion Wish and blowing this up to my entire musical self worth, even beyond my musical life. Too huge to allow this thought path to gain momentum. For years I beat up on my self about musical ability. Did this come from coming to music relatively late in life as an adult or part of unrealistic expectations of my ego? May have even been deeper, but I'm not delving that far publicly. I watered the positive seeds in my mind but the negative had a good hold on me and continued to win out.

I decided to read at one point around 4 am. There was a copy of the Inner Game of Music given to me nearly 15 years ago that I had recently taken of the shelf . I read it back then but was not able to garner much practical use from the book at this time. Last night I opened it to the chapter on Trust. Ahh. Reading these words my focus was nudged. At some point the authors suggested drawing on positive musical experiences. I visualized some recent performance success and the good feelings and thoughts began to flow. I reminded myself that I am loved, turned off the light, and returned to sleep.

I woke later with the word - Becoming in my mind. I jotted this down and slept more. Becoming, we are always becoming what we think.

Frames #4, 5, and 6

                         Trust. What is trust? Is it learned? Earned?

Listening to an excerpt from Stones off of This Fragile Moment as I type. Toyah words juxtaposed on my own are generating interesting & fleeting thoughts. Should I keep this excerpt on repeat as I type? " It's a beautiful question ... but your answer is wrong ..."

Since playing the benefit Saturday night I have not played an established piece. On Sunday a new piece inspired by the notion of Frames that I have been holding came out. I was exhausted in Sunday and in this slowly paced piece just followed where the next note chose to be. Quick notation and a rough recording to mp3 to secure the idea.


Stream Ohrstrom and the Blue Dragon Band was the final act at the benefit on Saturday night. I met Stream in my early days of Guitar Craft when struggling with odd rythms. Tony Geballe suggested I get a set of Bongos to work on  rhythms so as to just focus on getting them down and not concerning myself with the challenges of playing the guitar. I went to HMT and Stream introduced me to the dumbek, a middle eastern goblet shape hand drum that I fell in love with. I played the thing in the car as my now wife drove to Baltimore to visit family. What a woman!

I took lessons with Stream for some time and enjoyed many musical moments with him alone and during the weekly Beat Jam that he still hosts on Friday nights. I recently reconnected with him in October and he recalled how my favorite rhythm then was a pattern of 31, with both of us playing it differently but syncing on the one.

On Monday evening when I sat to practice I again began investigating where the notes might take me. An arpeggio in seven appeared and was followed by one in six. Another one in seven and then I hit on the framework of 31. A structure of 7,6,7,6, 5. I played with this for the next hour and 45 minutes, not even stopping to get a drink of water. Something emerged. I can not play it yet so no rough take with the mp3 recorder. Thought I might work with it tonight but...

Another piece emerged. Quiet & mysterious. Notated and recorded and then played for Joann twice.

Where does music come from? Why does music come into being?  A recent conversation with Robert about performance had him telling me that music is always available. While I have heard this before I heard him differently this time. The challenge is for me to be available to music.  Can I trust music to be there? Yes. Can I be available?

I am not sure why the creative output this week. I suspect it has something to do with the focus of the past weeks preparing for the performance. For now I am just trusting the process. And returning to listen to Stone one more time ...

Photo Credit: Ignacio Gracian, permission pending.

Trust the Process

Currently having concerns about balance in my guitar work. Recently I have been blessed with a download of new material from the muse. Three new solo guitar pieces in the past 4 weeks and a couple solid ideas for pieces. All of this is blurring in my ear. Plus there are pieces that were written during our holiday in Cambodia this spring which I have yet to get into my hands. On top of this I need to prepare for a recording session with Tony Geballe next month.

I find myself concerned with possibly loosing some of this material. This has happened in the past when I have not been as reliable in my recording rough takes and notating new material. And so what if I do loose a piece of music. Music is a gift to me. Perhaps the gift had accomplished what was needed? Trust the process.

I listened to the new works on my commute again today. Had one of them floating in and out of my brain during the day. This always helps my process when I have the music in my ear. While listening on the way home I suddenly heard the ending crystallize for "When Love is Taken." Fortunately I was listening on my portable mp3 recorded so I pulled over, hit record and sung the new ending into the machine. Good thing I did as I can not hear this ending now.

Same solution to this concern as any other - Pick up the guitar. Played two pieces that are known for a warm up. Reviewed two pieces that I know we will record, then looked at the three new works. Ended on a positive note by playing the first piece that ever came to me.

How are you maintaining balance in your pursuits.

Stay tuned!

Trust the Abundance

Back to practicing tonight. Busy day at work and needed to put some attention into an important family matter coming to completion tomorrow. Overall I was feeling a bit overwhelmed in a funny kind of way with the abundance of musical material that has been flowing of late.

Several new pieces have emerged since coming home from the course on Raft Island. They are not committed to memory, and are in various stages of documentation. Some notation and rough recordings of various takes of each exist. I need to trust the process that allows these gifts to come forth. When a new idea is there I will continue to follow. This is actually a problem of luxury. Perhaps I am a bit nervous as I committed to a recording date in late September.

I've had a name for the next release for over a year and now I think I have another one. One that has a wider berth and a different flavor that I am finding nourishing. Hmmm may have just clearly made a decision with that last sentence. One of the reasons it is good for me to write about my experiences.

Most important is that I continue picking up the guitar. This is a given actually. I'll bring order and completion to the notation and learning of the pieces as time permits. I just need to keep trusting the abundance and myself. More will follow.

Stay tuned!

Play What You Don't Know

Compound Image from 77 Million Paintings by Brian Eno

Wednesday morning I read the following from Rumi:
"What could be luckier than to have the ocean come to court the drop?
For God's sake don't postpone your Yes!
Give up and become the giver."

I so loved the sentiment of this that I copied to paper and placed it in my shirt pocket. I read it at work a few times and again this paper accompanied to work on Thursday. In the morning I recalled Miles Davis famous "Play what you don't know," while seeing a quote by Einstein " A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

Later I encountered this pearl of wisdom and insight from F.M Alexander " ... it is impossible to separate the 'mental & physical' processes in any form of human activity." I thought of my meditation practice and how this harmonizes the body and the mind. Suddenly I had an idea to conduct some improvisations using the breath as bar lines. I have read variations of this elsewhere but never worked with this myself. Even came up with a structure of playing only on the 'in breaths' for 3 breaths then play for a full breath, rest a breath and come play on two of the "out breaths", and repeat. Thought this would give my mind something to do.

I decided to tape these improvisations just in case the happy accident occurred. Did not take me long to notice that I was not following the breath playing past the first in breath. I also noticed that I needed to trust myself and just let go. Only an exercise, my whole existence was not at stake. But the " all hearing ears" of the tape machine were bothering me. I persisted for three attempts and then let go. Much trickier than I first imagined and perhaps an exercise to attempt periodically.

Moving on I played through Dandelion Wish. Enjoyed this and noted that I actually played all of the harmonics in time. I was about to remove the capo and then found a chord in the 13th position. When I heard this chord I though again of Rumi's line: "to have the ocean come to court the drop?" I began to explore and quickly saw that a piece was forming. I noticed that now I was trusting myself and the process. Had I watered this seed earlier in the improvs so that now it could sprout?

I played with this a bit and took a short break. Increasingly I am noticing how I misuse my body with the guitar especially when excited by new musical whisperings. While stretching I decided to notate what had just come out. Then I moved back to the guitar. A new section appeared. Again I notated. Then I turned on the tape and played what I had so far for documentary purposes, while taping the next section came out. Excited I played with this a bit and before I knew it I had a rough sketch of a piece. I began this process at 9pm and it was now 11:30. I wanted to keep going but I knew I needed to wind down before I would fall asleep. All was notated & three takes recorded. I played through a one more time before retiring.

I woke Friday tired but happy. Twenty minutes of Qi Gong had my body humming along and then it was on to the rest of my morning routine. I really wanted to stay home from work and play but ... I came home from work and after stretching and warming up I consulted my notes and played through the piece a few times. Something musical was there and I needed to flesh the rest out. I began exploring. A break for a walk on Sligo Creek at dusk to listen to the insects and the creek and let the musical ideas percolate.

Refreshed and back at the guitar I worked on this some more. Holding onto Rumi's poem seemed to nurture my playing and the development of the piece. At times I could sense the 'ocean swell' with in me and in the playing. Also a bit of a dark twist emerged which appears to strengthen the music. Additions to the original tabulature notes were creating a mess on the staff paper. So what, I can clean this up later. I kept note of my posture to a greater degree than usual. Perhaps if I take care with my body while developing the piece it will be easier when I actually learn the piece. Time will tell on this front. Another recording of where the piece was and I completed my practice for the evening. I was tempted to listen to the recordings of this work in progress, but I know at times doing this for purposes other than to check a part out can deflate the process for me. I hear the warts of my playing and loose the sense of the energy of the emerging piece. Armed with this reminder I restrained from listening.

A beautiful summer morning today found me practicing Qi Gong on the back yard. Needed to leave my shoes on as the acorns have began falling. After sitting and breakfast I returned to this piece. A couple additions and the piece appears close to being complete.

Off to address personal returns and later in the day a dear friend who is a talented pianist surprised me with a visit. She was interested in hearing what I have been working on. I played through two pieces for her and then took a deep breath. Usually my dear wife Joann is the first person to hear my musical ideas. She is away on retreat this week. I relish the value of bringing a piece of music alive by playing for someone so I took the leap. Although there was hesitation at two of the transitions I played the piece fairly well. I received good feedback from Gina and off to lunch we went. Much enlivened conversation followed.

Perhaps I should return to my breath improvisations again and just trust while waiting for the door to open. Stay tuned!