Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Descending Clouds of Negativity

Shrouded Abyss  

We begin again constantly is a Guitar Craft aphorism frequently mentioned i n this blog. For good reason I might add, as I find myself lost over and over, and need to reboot my awareness once again.  I have just began my practice session over two times, after my initial attempt.  Here I am now, looking to expunge the thinking matters that are clouding my mind, and embrace the simple act of playing.  Thoughts are similar to clouds in many respects.  Some are light and fluffy, moving through our minds offering happiness and joy.  Others dense, dark, and ominous; bringing storms of disruption and havoc to our being.  Depending on my condition at any time, when the various clouds of thoughts arrived, they may be supported, nurtured, or distorted.  The good news is - they all come to pass. 

While journaling this morning, I was still basking in the energy generated by my playing last night.  A couple constructive thoughts arrived.  One was to shorten the set to better fit my energy stamina.  Another to allow myself a bit more space within to breath, if I again sense my energy diminishing towards the end of the set.  I recall a bit of judgement arising with the thought of shortening the set.  Negative thinking creeping into an otherwise great experience.  I moved onto Qi Gong and meditation and then departed for work.

During my commute, I found myself thinking "don't play the set tonight, you know it will not be as good as last night."  The negative seed within me that judges myself and others was breaking through the soil of my mind and beginning to grow.  I tried to laugh this off, and thought of just working on the rough spots in my playing tonight and allowing the spark from last night to live a bit longer.  Then my thinking moved to "why not get the inevitable over with, have the bad practice and move on."  Fortunately I arrived at work and the demands of my professional responsibilities took over.

Before playing tonight, I sat for twenty minutes.  Letting my body relax, following my breath, and working to quiet the mind.  I needed this tonight, knowing from experience that I was scattered enough that my playing would suffer if I just dove in.  Reminding myself of my intention, I tuned my guitar.  As soon as I began to play the clouds of negative thought erupted.  I wanted to just play through them, but the thoughts impacted my playing which generated more thoughts, generally of a negative bent and so forth.   I let go, brought order to some papers and returned to the guitar.

More negative thoughts erupted as I began playing, this time my thinking going back to work today and judging what I failed to accomplish.  Walking away again, I returned to begin a third time to no avail.  Deciding that getting these thoughts out here and out of my magic magnifying mind, might offer the freedom I need to begin again and move forward with one more effort.  Time for a lie down and a new beginning. Trusting and knowing that this is all part of the process, I smile.

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