Accepting What Comes II

Our plan had been to be on a retreat this weekend.  That was until my wife came down with a bug that's kept her wiped out most of this week. Thus I woke this morning with a planned day off but without a clear schedule.  Not that I need a schedule, just had not had time to rethink what I might do. Part of this time was devoted to a longer meditation and to more practice Qi Gong.   A few errands and lunch with my wife led to a nap. Then a few more errands.

I knew I would practice guitar, just not sure when nor what I would do.  I even noticed a bit of resistance about practicing which is rare for me.  What is going on I wondered? After another meditation and 15 minutes of Qi Gong I did sit down to practice.  I recalled a blog post from 2010 titled Accepting What Comes which I reread this week.  Three years later and I still do not have any formal composition process but I do have an inquiring and curious mind.  One night while practicing this week, I began playing around with Scriabin's Prometheus Chord. I based this chord on "C" and found a potential introduction that did not go any further.

Tonight in the spirit of accepting what the muse had to offer, I decided to begin with this nugget from earlier this week and see what developed.  After 25 minutes I was lost, nothing was emerging, and I found myself beginning to talk negatively to myself.  While questioning my abilities and knowledge, I felt uneasy about continuing. I also noticed that this was an opportunity.  I was already wandering about in the unknown, why pull back now, just stay with the process.  Having exhausted what I knew, and what I had already experimented with I decided to continue.

And it got worse.  Nothing was making sense, nothing developing, and the negativity was hovering nearby.  Suddenly I craved playing a known piece of music.  To hear what made sense and worked, to get a bit of joy from that.  But why?  Why abandon where I was?  Acceptance was not part of this process.  When I saw this, I took a few breaths and began again.  What would happen if the chord was based on "G" I thought.  As I played with this, a whisper of music emerged, building in strength and giving a lift to my will to continue.  When my left hand tired I took a short break.

I returned and played with this more.  Still not a piece, but by staying with the unknown; accepting my shortcomings and by practicing persistence something came alive.  Was it music?  Was it me?  The door is open once again.