Accepting What Comes II

Our plan had been to be on a retreat this weekend.  That was until my wife came down with a bug that's kept her wiped out most of this week. Thus I woke this morning with a planned day off but without a clear schedule.  Not that I need a schedule, just had not had time to rethink what I might do. Part of this time was devoted to a longer meditation and to more practice Qi Gong.   A few errands and lunch with my wife led to a nap. Then a few more errands.

I knew I would practice guitar, just not sure when nor what I would do.  I even noticed a bit of resistance about practicing which is rare for me.  What is going on I wondered? After another meditation and 15 minutes of Qi Gong I did sit down to practice.  I recalled a blog post from 2010 titled Accepting What Comes which I reread this week.  Three years later and I still do not have any formal composition process but I do have an inquiring and curious mind.  One night while practicing this week, I began playing around with Scriabin's Prometheus Chord. I based this chord on "C" and found a potential introduction that did not go any further.

Tonight in the spirit of accepting what the muse had to offer, I decided to begin with this nugget from earlier this week and see what developed.  After 25 minutes I was lost, nothing was emerging, and I found myself beginning to talk negatively to myself.  While questioning my abilities and knowledge, I felt uneasy about continuing. I also noticed that this was an opportunity.  I was already wandering about in the unknown, why pull back now, just stay with the process.  Having exhausted what I knew, and what I had already experimented with I decided to continue.

And it got worse.  Nothing was making sense, nothing developing, and the negativity was hovering nearby.  Suddenly I craved playing a known piece of music.  To hear what made sense and worked, to get a bit of joy from that.  But why?  Why abandon where I was?  Acceptance was not part of this process.  When I saw this, I took a few breaths and began again.  What would happen if the chord was based on "G" I thought.  As I played with this, a whisper of music emerged, building in strength and giving a lift to my will to continue.  When my left hand tired I took a short break.

I returned and played with this more.  Still not a piece, but by staying with the unknown; accepting my shortcomings and by practicing persistence something came alive.  Was it music?  Was it me?  The door is open once again.

Accept What I Play

While resting after dinner, I thought about how to structure my practice tonight. I will be performing three pieces this Thursday evening as part of The Fieldwork process. Two of the pieces continue to offer me difficulties with playing them. One of these Broken Wing is only a month old, while Beneath Dark Images began a long time ago and was only recently completed.

On my commute this morning I was working with visualizing BDI. I have worked with visualizing parts of this piece previously, but today I took on the entire piece. I found out that I am uncertain of the form. Reflecting on this after dinner I saw how this is true when I have played the piece. Though simple, the form has subtle changes that trip my up when I am not paying attention. There is also a tricky section with the left hand fingering where I frequently play it less than beautifully.

Knowing where I would begin my practice, I moved to the basement. I wanted to practice while suspending judgement of my playing, an idea I took from Pedro de Alcantara's excellent book on the Alexander Technique Indirect Procedures. My intention is to play beautifully and I wrote this down prior to picking up my guitar. I began to write an intention to play without judgement, when I realized that I wanted to frame this positively. My intention is to accept what I play, is where I arrived.

I began reviewing the form of BDI by simply playing the chords. Letting go of the arpeggios, and the difficult fingering, I focused on the form. Almost immediately I was pleasantly surprised with what I learned. I continued to move through the piece by section and now have a greater understanding of how the piece moves. I also clarified a choice I have been making in the bass line which may lead to improved performance and musicality.

After a short break to take in this information I went to work on the section with the difficult fingering. The second and fourth fingers of my left hand are anchored on the first and second strings while a four note bass figure is repeated twice. The difficulty arises. when I use my third finger to stretch to its' limit and play the final note on the sixth string. I was playing with just playing the bass note and the top two notes that are anchored as a chord to see where I could relax my hand. Then the Guitar Craft aphorism to "Establish the possible, while gradually moving towards the impossible," came to mind.

Allowing the second and fourth fingers to remain anchored I only played the fourth final note of the bass line with my third finger. Gently exploring how it is possible for this finger to move to the desired note. With this established I then added in the third note which is played with the first finger. Slowly working backwards through the bass line, and most importantly, I was not reinforcing the habit of use that had already been established in this section. Then I played the bass line from the beginning with the arpeggios. While I then wanted to fold this part into the entire piece and see "my improvement," I resisted this urge and began to write instead. Allowing the body time to take in this new information and for me to capture this process.

Acceptance of Here and Now

Friday 8pm

Can I be happy right now? Guitar in hand; music waiting to be played and I am in a funk. Dissatisfaction with where I am at with my playing of the new works that have been given to me. Since returning from the Guitar Craft course at Raft Island in June my work has been fruitful. Last night I hit a bit of a wall though with finding the ending for "When Love is Taken." When I moved on to look at one of the other pieces that began a few days before "WLIT" I became frustrated with what I had forgotten. Fortunately I do have this piece partially notated and a few rough takes. Yet I wanted my return to this to be easy.

A part of me is so grateful for music being present in my life. And another part just wants my musical pursuits to be easy. Where does this come from?

Time to get lost in the sound. When my mind is grasping, just focus on silence, then on one note, then another. I only need to be here now. When I first heard Thich Nhat Hahn say that our practice should be joyful, I was suspicious. Slowly this has resonated with me. I focus on my breath, watering seeds of happiness and acceptance. I return to playing ... quieter, focused.

I review "Leaving Song" which I have not looked at since I left Phnom Phen in April. Slowly caressing my strings. Letting go of the expectations and demands I put on myself. Music, let it flow. I move onto reviewing Dancin' Free which was what frustrated me earlier in my practice session. Ah, there it is. I play this through twice and work a bit on a chord change.

Now to look at "WLIT." I play it through and decide to focus on the last section. After a bit I find the ending. I feel the smile spreading softly on my face. I enjoy playing and exploring this potential ending. When Joann arrives home I will play this for her.