Struggles

 You can’t always get what you want. - Mick Jagger

I worked on Grappling this morning. Have transcribed 75 seconds of these 4 minutes. Then I need to clean up some of the phrases/sections and see what is there.

Continued working on relearning Breaking Light. Met with my friend and played the first three pieces of my four piece set poorly. Opening with what I chose is not working. I saw this clearly after I played  the set for my wife later. I also listened to his work and was able to give him feedback. Valuable time. We will meet again Thursday.

I decided to open with Breaking Light and see what works as number two piece. I need to figure out how to get some of my more intense works into this four piece set limit.  May I get what I need.

Photo by Counseling

Slowing Down

Working on Exiled this morning I found myself rushing, which means my fingers are not learning how to play the piece but how to play mistakes.  Out came the metronome to establish the tempo of actual execution which helped. Especially when I slowed it down more.  As I continued practicing I was able to begin playing with the dynamics and was getting a overall feel for this section of the piece. After a break I noticed that one of the transitions was not working. When I was entering the notes into my scoring program I had gotten clever. While it sounded ok, as I played this it become obvious to me that I had disrupted the form too soon.

Experimenting I reverted to my original idea for these couple of bars. With more practice I realized I need to extend another idea a bit further.  Good, solid and necessary work. Easier to change the score in the Guitar Pro software then to have to rewrite it by hand.

https://soundcloud.com/user-463131538/exiled-mid30/s-RI1Mnv30rPA

The Dance I Almost Missed

         Last night we were walking and as we turned east at the end of our block saw the Moon. No longer full but big and radiant nonetheless. Mars was very close. Upon awakening this morning I looked out the front door to see if the moon had set and Mars was still close by it. But last night Mars was to the left of the Moon and now to the right. A dance between them had been going on all night. And I almost missed it. I know their  will continue even when I no longer see them. How many processes go on below the level of my awareness all day long? This complex biochemical psycho-physical being, known as I, a speck in the Universe dancing with the rest of creation. Thoughts frequently introduce noise in the system; emotions push me about like strong ocean tides while my body moves about on automatic.  Until I bring some attention to what “I” am doing.  Then back in the dance, the small miracle of being alive in the moment arrives. Awe, wonder and curiosity arise augmented by being here and now. Tension in the body is eased, thoughts slow and the whispers of the Universe take the form of notes.

Reflection begins my day followed by Qi Gong and Sitting Meditation laying the foundation for the arch of freedom. As I eat my breakfast, sweep the kitchen floor or open my guitar case I might pause and briefly nourish returning to this moment easing my dance with distraction. When I am present and play a note, a subtle energy infuses the music. This energy changes me and those who are listening. But the dance of the Universe is daunting - waves of thought, emotions and miscues of an aging body arise unexpectedly to counteract the flow. Again and again I must begin.  Again and again I loose my step. And then the right causes and conditions supported by decades of practice arrive - music surges and I surf the creative wave one more time.  Dancing with dissonance, connection ebbs and flows, and we begin again. What if I'd never picked up a guitar. 

Listen. Listen now. 

Have you heard The Call? Listen Here

Photo by: Abigail Atienza

 

Random Notes

9:31 am

Ready to practice and I heard this thought - time to resume music connection.  What does that mean - connection? Pick up my guitar & play.

10:04 am

After working on my nails and exploring notes the thought of connection returned.  Do I want to connect or repeat, that is explore the music of the moment or play/practice pieces that exist.  I decided to let go of repeat for now, embrace the new and connect.  After a while this felt like noodling.

Then a spark. Attempts to ignite, maybe; maybe not.  Let go then a bigger spark.  Persist. Let go.

10:47 am

I know not where music comes from.

12:17 pm

What is the question I have not asked?

What is the music I can not hear?

12:48 pm

Sticking with the uncertainty.  Lost and confused, go ahead abandon the search and play something you know.   But I know that right now, playing something I know would in a sense be a cheap thrill.  Suffer through the feelings of inadequacy,  the why's and self-deprecation.  Visiting a C sharp again, an idea for a tuning arose.  Yeah get more lost.  And I did.  Then another musical idea arose.  Played with and explored a bit.  Wrote it down and broke for lunch.


4:30 pm

Looked at the idea again and took it further.  Still much uncertainty.  Still the uncertainty.  I know that regardless of a complete piece of music I always learn in these situations.  And I have notebooks full of ideas.  Brought some with me for this retreat.  May or may not give these old ideas a look.

9:00 pm

One more visit after dinner and a film.  Where the piece was previously took off a bit.  Found myself playing in 11, here goes.  Until tomorrow.

Tuning is low to high C# G D B F# G   and so it goes.

First Day

After journaling and our sitting, we went to the Ocean for our morning Qi Gong practice.  The energy available at sunrise along the surf is enlivening to a degree like no other.  The scent of the Ocean, the sounds of the birds and surf awaken my body, mind and spirit.  Just what I need to return to the guitar on this day.

Tony Geballe & I completed the recordings for The Call this past Thursday.  Preparations & execution had been intense and I took Friday off.  With the completion of Guitar Craft on Saturday I choose to end as I had begun.  Prior to my Level One we were instructed to not play for guitar for one week.  With a busy three days in front of me, this might also be a good way to enter into my post GC period.

On FB I saw that Curt Golden ended on a C sharp as his last note. He has always been a great guide for me, so I chose to begin with a C Sharp today.  Soon this led me to a full and partial capo arrangement which had me somewhat baffled.  An idea arose and I followed along; happily open to the next note.

Listen to the Quiet Voice

 Frustrated with recalibrating to a different guitar while I travel, I decided to let go of practicing repetroire and focus on finding new ideas.  Listening, just listening to the environment around me.  Thinking of a time and space a note appears.  Repeat - another note sings out.  Slowly a melody emerges about me.  Then it stops.  Back to listening. just listening for the quiet voice.  Rest repeat.

Open. Listen. Respond. Listen. Open... Quietly.

Photo by she, myself & eye

Passage

Saturday morning I was warming up in preparation of our final day of recording with Tony Geballe.  I found a simple if disjointed melodic idea I played with a bit and then moved on.  Having made a mental note to remember this idea, I revisited this fragment during Monday's practice.  Then on Tuesday night, the idea began to simmer.  I came up with a quick working title as this helps to frame an idea for me, but Where Ya Goin'? did not really fit.  May have had more to do with where the melody was heading, than an actual sentiment or mood.

Yesterday I began to notate what I had of this idea to accompany the rough takes I had, in case I lose track of this over the coming busy weeks.  While capturing what I had in this way, another twist  arrived.  Later on the beach, looking at the surf, another possibility arose.  I tested this idea this morning, am unsure that it works, but strive to remain open to the inherent possibilities.  Early this morning I ran into a friend and we were talking about Transitions.  His work is helping organizations manage transitions.

In my current musical practice, I am in transition on various levels and pondered this as a working title.  Consulting the dictionary for a synonym for transitions I came upon Passage, which is currently the working title.  Noticing a word I did not know Saltation, I read the definition: discontinous movement, advance by leaps. Much closer to the quality of what is happening musically, but not sure this works as a title.  In genetics Saltation mean: a single mutation that drastically alters the phenotype.  I'm looking for that mutation that will bring this piece to life.

Taking a short break to allow the current ideas to percolate, then back to the guitar before one more dip in the Atlantic Ocean.

Photo by Nigel Howe

The Right Ending

The right ending is an open door you can't see too far out of. It can mean exactly the opposite of what you are thinking.  

Michael Ondaatje  Coming Through Slaughter

Earlier this week I was making a rough recording of a piece when I made a mistake at the ending.  I heard the possibility of this new ending.  Played the piece with the new ending a couple times and decided to be open to the change.  The next day I played the piece for my wife with each ending.  Just two notes changed but there was a distinctive difference in the affect of the piece.  The new ending gives a clear musical ending while the original offers something just a bit beyond.  Took a little time to decide, but I'm leaving the ending alone.

Photo by Christiaan Triebert

Picking Up the Pieces, Again

There was once two musicians ...

At times our music was full of dissonance with pages of rests between the bursts of twisted & tortured melodies that harkened the music of the past and laid out structure for our music of the future.  Silence was needed between the pieces to absorb  the intense feelings generated by our scores of misunderstanding. Occasional glimmering melodies would emerge from our miasma mist of uncertainty; two musicians reading the score of the music of life in the traditions in which we were trained.


One day we took a chance, composing a brief divertimento based solely in love.  Hearkening pieces of beauty & wonderment of our youth, this tiny work in the canons of music struck a vibrant harmony within & without the players.  Sometimes the Muse whispers, and sometimes she Roars with a force that penetrates deeply even into the hearts of the deaf,  illuminating and magnifying the notes  needing to be played now.  These rare performances, requiring years of dedicated preparation, change the players, change the world. The notes resonating and reverberating in the hearts of the beyond.

How Do You Cry?

How to use 20 minutes to assist me in reaching my various goals today?  That's what I had left to work with before leaving my home for an appointment.  Sure I could read or bring order to our home, but those would happen anyhow.  I needed to move something else forward if only a bit.  I decided to listen to a couple quick recordings of new pieces I made yesterday on my mp3 recorder.

I had a couple reasons for this one of which I can learn how I am playing the pieces and know what to focus my practice on later.  And I need a good enough version to send off to a friend who is transcribing pieces for me for an upcoming release.  I was fairly certain that one of the three takes of The Call would satisfy this, but I needed find it.  I also listened to takes of Forgive Me for future practice purposes.

Jotting down some quick notes on Forgive Me which arose in memory of my departed sister Sharon, I thought of the person I was to meet.  They have suffered some incredible losses and are still in the grieving process.  I decided to take a copy of my release from a few years back, Scattered Hearts, with me to give to them.  Three of the pieces on Scattered Hearts stem directly from the death of family and friends.  A couple others deal with loss in a different manner.  And yes there is also Joy present throughout the CD.  When I gave this to my friend, who said they cry a lot, I heard myself say I cry through my guitar. 

Photo by H Koopdelaney

Ice Feathers

Ice Feathers was the title of a photo I used earlier this week.  Both the  photo and the title intrigued me.  While looking at the photo, I began improvising, reminding me of last years challenge proposed by  Sid Smith  of composing a piece of music inspired by photo's he had taken.  A possible introduction followed by an interesting progression had me notating what I'd found.  Revisiting the idea the past three days, my interest has been sustained but the idea was not taking off either.

I returned to this idea yesterday after undertaking the previously described work on Forgive Me.  I was primed by the energy.  I played around with the structure of the introduction.  Back & forth, maybe, maybe not.  So I played with the progression.  This became increasingly interesting musically, but while the rhythmic feel of it was compelling, something else was needed.

Watching yet another snowfall in our backyard, I played with my fingers on the strings.  Just caressing them, wondering about them.  Each snowflake uses only the energy needed to reach the ground and no more.  What was the energy needed to move this piece along?  Watching the snow I held the musical questions of this piece.  Playing the beginning again, an idea flew by and I followed.  Liking what I heard I played around with the idea and extended it.  Slowly the energy was building.

Time for my afternoon walk, especially to relish in the snowfall.  As I walked I played the piece in my mind, searching for where we might go together.  Nothing.  Walking the snow covered streets and hearing the idea again.  Hearing a slight change arise, I kept walking, kept listening.  Another idea arose, one I could not really hear, but I understood the gist of the rhythmic change.  Arriving home I played with these ideas and may have found an ending. 

As I shoveled once again, I thought of those lovely snow flakes that used only the amount needed to land on Earth.  Could I use only the amount needed to move this snow and possibly have some energy left to play some more?

Photo by Hannah Edwards

A Few Thoughts on Composition

First we borrow, then maybe even steal.  Are we learning?   While imitation is one path to learning composition, how about interrogation; investigation; sublimation; holding one's feeling and releasing;  or abandonment of it all.

Like playing with blocks, putting one note on top of another, and a few next to those.  A wall formed that is scaled by listening.  A window opened to new forms.  Ear lids moved by waves of sound and oceans of being.  And then we begin again.  Perhaps we question a melody or piece we have known before.  Why does it move in this direction, elicit this response?  What happens if I change a few notes, alter the rhythm?  What happens when I work in a new form?  I change, what else?  Can I allow my feelings to generate a piece of music?  Can I let it all go?  Keep asking questions?

One thing I know about composition - I'll be back at it tomorrow.

Photo by Steve Jurveston

Wander For Life

                  Wandering creates the desert - Edmund Jabes

A melody awakes the fingers to find her, inviting the nomad to follow.  Entering in the mystery of the sands of time, a rhythm arises taking the melody to a new dune.  Still, barren, huge moments of lost wonder.  The next note is found, teasing the throat of the composer for more fluid motion.  Notes arriving everywhere like sand in boots.  Dunes arising, obscured by the sun, changed by the wind.  Where is the note which points the nomad home? 

A new space, an odd rhythm - like an oasis providing sanctuary for the melody to expand.  The nomad overhears the lilt of foreign tongues, shadows embellishing the search, stress brought to the form.  Phrases of freedom and foundation arrive from the ocean of fire. With thirst quenched and
 desire strengthened the nomad can not remain in the oasis.  Knowing safety is an illusion, a step away, toward and in the sand is taken.  Another dune arises.  A sandy cliff of possible inspiration or a desperate view of the desert of the unknowing. 

Looking back at the footsteps traced in sand, where to turn, when to turn?  Sound bleached to its essence, be this a song of sorrow, forgiveness, hope or love.  Block the glare and be not immune to beauty.  Listen to the silence of the sand harmonized by the shifting winds, taking in the brilliant hues of sunset and opening to the cool whispers of evening.  Tread softly, nomad, with ears wide open.  Follow the flux, prodding the movement and rupturing stasis.  Listen.  Listen to the wander. 

Reach for the edge of the boundaries with your heart's ear.  Soar within the sands, embrace the heat of the search, and with parched tongue sing again and again.  Respect the scorched bones of other nomads, learn from them and remain in motion.  Seize the journey because life itself depends upon your work.  Be a nomad in search of truth.


Photo by H. Adam

Commitment to a Challenge

As described in the post Fail Forward from Sunday, the new piece, Meco, was performed for Joann on Sunday 2/8/15 without a known ending.   I worked with the piece throughout yesterday and at 7:55 pm EST found an ending. Fortunate as I had another performance for Joann scheduled at 9 pm.  Technical issues with the execution of the piece need to be worked out.  Through the power of commitment to a challenge a new piece was born and I continue to learn about the guitar, music, and myself.

And just so the Universe knows, I'm open to another piece arriving this week.

Photo by Tjololo

Fail Forward

How to come up with a piece in 24 hours?  Something about having to produce on tight schedule with a deadline provides  creative juices.  I made a quick decision to work with the Phyrgian Major mode that Curt Golden used in a riff a few days back.  Found a beginning last night and a couple places to explore further, before we left to attend a spirited performance by Tia Nina last night.

While working with Meco this morning I have extended the beginning, have a few ideas floating about and a possible ending.  Time for a walk to allow this to settle.  Then back to work.  While the sparks of creativity continue to amaze me, I know that it is the ongoing persistent efforts that bring any piece home.  Showing up day after day, doing what is needed.  I've yet to find a shortcut.

At 9:30 pm I played the piece for my wife.  I did not have an ending, but knew that one might appear during the act of performance.  The end did not appear.  C'est la vie.  But the challenge commited to was honored and there is a good beginning done.  Another performance has been scheduled for tomorrow evening to bring this failure forward.

Photo by Erfan A. Setiawan.

Meco

The challenge was given to the course in Tepoztlan.  Since I'm participating at a distance, I received the challenge late. Still I made their challenge mine.  Learning and a new piece will come into being. I'll fret and push, but I'll have a new solo piece ready to perform by Sunday night.

The journey may be coarse, wild; and the obstacles thick, but Meco will arrive. 

Photo by Rui Orenlas.

True Blue Lake

    
  It's all very puzzling, but I am not a puzzle.  Willem de Kooning

Last night I had the opportunity to play music in a very beautiful and inspiring setting.  In the home of my friend Annie.  The setting was music, dinner, and a talk by a Tibetan Buddhist Teacher.  I'm always inspired in this lovely home, with walls adorned with contemporary art, open spaces, and just an overall loving feel.

In the afternoon while still in my home, an idea arose as I was playing.  I toyed with this a bit, jotted down some notes, and then it was time to pack up and head out.  While warming up later, in the living room of my friend, another idea arrived.  I felt this was related to the first idea but had no time to explore.   Today I returned to the first idea and liked what I heard.  Unsure of how to proceed I took a break.

My thoughts wandered to last night.  I remembered a book I have of the late paintings of Willem de Kooning.  Years ago these paintings inspired some very interesting ideas, while I was working with solo guitar and effects.  I found this book in a shop, sometime after seeing these works in the East Building of The National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC.  Beautiful freely flowing lines which I lack the words to describe, yet they somehow spoke to me of a similar energy in my friend.  Suddenly I remembered the second idea that had arrived at the gig.  At the same time the working title arrived, True Blue Lake, which captures a good sense of Annie - deep, reflective, and beautiful.

There is a relationship between the two ideas and while I developed the each a bit more, I currently lack the connection between the two main parts.  I did find a way in the development of the second part to transition to another place that works back on itself and connects with the opening idea.  Dare I say publicly, that I'll complete this piece?  

A part of me was afraid to say I was undertaking this.  So be it.  All fear ever does is hold one back. 

Photograph on UNTITLED XVII, 1984 by Christie's.

Composing Free From Desire

Does composing a piece of music differ from composing my life?  I want integrity and truth in my notes as I do in my life.  Variety in pieces as I do in my days.  Logic and coherence, efficiency and color, mystery and clarity, are all important in both music and life.  Perhaps this is why when listening to a group of people sharing about their lives today, Eno's Oblique Strategy Disconnect From Desire arose again in my mind.

I am a musician, not a conductor.  Certainly I have enough difficulties conducting my own life, so why do I frequently "know" how others should be conducting theirs?  As a musician I have my part to play, same as in life.  I may know how I'd play another's part, but alas it is theirs to play.  Of course I have my opinions, some knowledge, and always hope for a situation.  But how do I know when my "desire" is in the best interest of a piece of music, let alone in the life of another, or for humanity in general?

Disconnect From Desire became a guiding light while listening. Connect with the now and leave the mental noise.  Connect with the now and increase the signal I'm hearing.  I saw where this can guide my practice for the next few days as I prepare for my next gig.  Disconnect From Desire for the outcome of my practice and just play the notes.  Be there now with the notes; no where else, ever.  Rise above my desires.  When I care for the head, the heart, and the hands; music just might be available.  At the very least I'll be available.

Photo:  What the Eye Sees by Jack Mallon.

Disconnect From Desire

Last night was the works-in-progress showing with The Field/DC.  Having this opportunity to perform meant a lot to me and even though I understand that it is about works-in-progress,  it still carries the weight of a performance.  In a black box setting no less.

 My performance began poorly.  This permeated the set, keeping the music tethered.  Why?  Certainly the inspiration from the muse is in the notes and several members of the audience heard this. I could offer reasons and have to myself in my journal.  I've also seen how I can be more effective in the next opportunity.  No matter how I practice getting ready for performance, there is no other situation I can manufacture that provides that additional edge to be navigated.  As the aphorism states - we begin again constantly, so I will, always do. 

A bit of a funk was about me this morning as I rose.  I did practice my morning routine, but it was clouded by this negative impression from last night.   I knew it would pass, everything does.  Rather than work with music, I did some practical work and then went to an afternoon showing of A Most Wanted Man with my wife, followed by a late lunch.  Arriving home I picked up the guitar and played the opening phrase from last night beautifully.  Ahhh, a bit of teeth grinding.  Can I live with the uncertainty of live performance?   Sensing it was not yet time to practice as I was tired and the mood could tip back, I read and had a short nap.

Upon awakening, I picked up the guitar again.  I re-familiarized myself with a piece that I've not played in a while and decided I could keep this one in my pocket for a longer performance this coming Tuesday night.  I then allowed my fingers to find an arpeggio and played this in five.  Another one appeared and then another.  The whisper of the muse, urging me to follow, to connect.  I worked with this a bit, and then a break to eat.   Returning to the spark, more notes arrived.  Happy with the guitar now, knowing why I devote myself to this each day.  A darker twist in the music arrived and I'm smiling.

Since I was not certain where to go next with this idea, I notate what is there.  I title it Study in Five. Then returning to the guitar, the darker phase lengthens a bit.  Stuck again, I consult the web version of Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies.  The oracle offers - Disconnect From Desire.  As I ponder how this relates to the evenings work, I sense a larger offering is being made.  What desires did I hold regarding last night?  About performing music in general?  My head, my heart, and my hands are fallible, yet still the muse invites me back.  If tonight's idea is only a way to soften my heart and to kindle my head with a musical challenge,  my hands were ready to create the sounds.

After pondering the strategy, I returned to the guitar.  Playing what I had so far, I listened for what was next.  More notes arrived, leading up to a possible ending.  My spirit is ready for a new beginning.

Photo by Tankawho

Horizons

                                      

 

                                       Halfway to never
                                      the Delphi Oracle dispersed.
                                                  StaRs drop over, then rise through;
                                       understandIng remains challenged.
                                        Zero-sum balances skew,
                                             while Obliques views approach
                                        Nothing and beyond ...

Today I was reading and came upon the word horizon.  How many times have I used this word, how many times have I looked off from the shore, a mountain ridge, or a plane and contemplated the seen and the unseen.  Today was the first time I reflected on horizon from my black leather reclining chair.  What would horizon sound like on a guitar?  Wondering and wandering with this thought I heard nothing and drifted off to sleep.  Waking thoughts still revolved about horizon, and as I went to the basement to put the clothes in the dryer, I heard something; then something else...

Sipping my coffee the above poem came out.  Could these words guide my hearing?  Unlock a musical response from within and without?  Halfway to never   arrived in a musical phrase inmy mind composed of major & minor seconds! We were underway.  In a little over an hour a rough sketch had arrived.  The final outcome not as important as the process of listening, probing and allowing the notes to arrive.