Walk Away From Failure

Failure will happen.  You work hard, sometimes very hard, and then the desired outcome does not come to be.  You take an energy hit and your pride maybe bruised, but not for long if you take a step; then another.  Take one even when you really don't feel like it and you find yourself walking on the path again.  The path guides you with light and warns you with shadows.  Remember the shadows are merely the edge of light.  Step after step, the motion provides you with energy.  Then as physics teaches us, an object in motion tends to remain in motion. But first - just one step.

Photo by Reddy Aprianto

Learning in The Field

A learning experience at The Field DC last night.  Fieldwork is a 10 week process where we show our works to the other participants and receive feedback.  This particular session has been very juicy for myself.  Consisting of twelve artists, primarily dance, but also three writers,  all of whom are committed to developing their work.  Besides the value of the feedback offered along guidelines that sidestep like and dislike and address what the piece(s) elicited in the audience, just being within a creative community brings an energy to each of us.

Last night I planned to show two works.  The first piece I have shown there twice now, and generally can play through.  The second piece came out four weeks ago; has been shown three times and continues to challenge both my left hand and my ability to sustain the rhythm.  My executions of this piece has increased dramatically  but still needs work.  Arriving at The Field to a smallish group last night I learned that I'd be able to show twice if desired.  Why not, I knew that a good learning experience would unfold.

The first piece began well, and as I approached the middle I became fascinated with the shape of my left hand on the fretboard. Wondering does it all look like that when I play this piece.  Then I noticed an old habit had arrived in my right hand. Two much attention was being pulled into my use of the hands and I lost my place in the most challenging section of the piece.  Somehow I made it through, but the piece was disrupted in it's build of intensity and notes were flubbed.  At one point my playing fell apart, but I dove back in.  Not a good sign as this was the piece that I "knew."

Early on in Turning the Wheel, I transitioned to a section and began playing the wrong melody.  What to do - improvise.  I did  and somehow negotiated my way back to the piece.  I'm not sure if the audience noticed this, and I forgot about it until I returned home.  This act of improvisation within a "serious mistake" was a vital learning experience.  As I recalled this, what I had been describing to myself as a rough night, turned into a good night. 

Others showed their work and then we moved to the actual performing theater of Dance Place where our works in progress showing will be next month.  I took the opportunity to "walk" onto the stage in this setting.  Again I got overly concerned about what my hands were doing and faltered in performing both pieces.  Fortunately this is exactly what The Field is for.  A time and space to work and discover what is and what is not working in a new piece, in myself,  and in performance.  Valuable, oh so very valuable. 

Openings

I wake from a dream where I arrived at dinner on a Guitar Circle course.  There are plenty of seats still available and no food.  Watching myself as I begin to react.  Doing nothing.  Wondering.  Wanting to do something, but doing nothing.  I see too much food on many but not all plates.  Must have been a self service arrangement.  In this dream, I was not in the role of kitchen coordinator and that person was nowhere to be seen.  Probably getting ready to perform at a meal I thought.  Was getting harder to do nothing, especially not to at least make a comment. Possibly why I woke up.

Working with the graphic scores from Sid Smith's String Quartet collaboration has me stumped at the moment.  Sunday I am scheduled to record these two pieces with my old friend and musical partner Steve Geest, yet the second piece is not complete.  Many others have submitted their works and I am beginning to feel a bit of self-imposed pressure, hence the deadline.  The value of a performance or recording date to spur the process is unique and known.  The other two times I recall waking during the evening the melody from Movement III of String Quartet was playing in my head.  This is a good sign and I  trust the process.

I have also seen how vital my portable mp3 recorder is to my process.  My old R-09 has given up the ghost & I am waiting for a replacement to arrive. This  added to the challenge of working from a photo as a graphic score. Examining this, I can not hear where the melody is leading me yet. I have a two working titles that arose for this piece.  They are on a post-it note next to the photo.  Perhaps if I select one as they are embodying different, even opposing qualities the piece will evolve.  Life is very good. The table is set.

Can You?

Can you play your instrument while talking to yourself?  You know That incessant internal chatter.  Well I can't, not very well anyhow.  I begin from a place of relative quiet and then my persistent mind jumps from branch to branch.  Yet there is another persistent part of me which continues to practice communing with silence in various ways.  Dualistic aspects of persistence I suppose.  Slowly...patiently...quietly.  We begin again constantly.

Notes Come, Notes Go

Still looking at This Longing tonight.  More ideas surface as others are laid to rest.  So as the title says - Notes Come, Notes Go ...  And that is just the way the process goes for me.  Sometimes a piece downloads in its' entirety, others times can take a while, and most times the idea never comes to fruition.  Yet I'm making myself available, learning, and coming back night after night.  The ongoing commitment is what matters most.

I can not catch a cloud with my hands,  but I can open my heart to the possibility.  I see that This Longing may be aptly titled.  Tomorrow, I will pick up the guitar and present myself to what is there and what is not.   I'll be doing what is necessary to invite in silence and then I'll be listening to the sounds I create to hear if music has arrived.  If not, the following night, I will begin again.  And so it goes.

Where's the Music?

                                 Photo by James Landry


 I woke feeling wonderful today.   A late night with music, but a good night.  A new piece was born, the second one this week, always good for my being.  Tonight I played through a couple pieces to warm up and then turned my attention to the tremolo piece.  This piece has been neglected this week and I do not intend to let it slip away.  Then I played through the piece from last night, This Longing.  Felt like something was missing, but hey it is new, just play it again.  Still something missing, so one more time. What?

A bit dismayed I turned on the tape recorder to listen back to the rough take I had recorded.  The beginning was good, but then their were notes, but where was the music?  Yet last night my feelings were strong and confident about this piece, was I deluded then?  No, I was just doing the work, and while there is an underlying feeling to this piece, I did not express this last night as well as I thought I did. But I did do good work.  What to do?  Simple - begin again.  I listened through two more times, while following the score.  Hearing what was strong and what was muddled.  There is a beginning and some other musical ideas, just not a flow of music throughout.

Briefly disheartened, I returned to work on This Longing.  After all this is how I have always learned.  Some feeling or notion is wanting to be expressed, I am touching it, but not fully capable of expressing it, yet.  Often times it is a matter of technique, other times insufficient musical vocabulary, but seldom a lack of desire to continue to learn and explore.  As a musician, I must show up to do the work.  Using the same opening, I began again.  Listening, exploring, and listening again. Can I hear what needs to be played?  Tonight the piece is not complete, but progress was made and I learned something.

Probing

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A laughter filled day with family, shooting hoops, swimming, and just enjoying one another's company.  Home late, but still I need to connect with my guitar, with music.  Beginning with the theme I discovered on Friday evening, I found yet another twist within these simple chords.  Fascinated I probe the cell that has been given me, to see where the music would like to go.  Hidden from me, I continue to investigate what I have, trusting that when the time is right, the music will flow.

How to realize what is available to me in this particular beginning?  Imagination, desire, presence, commitment and patience.  When the right state is attained, the music simply emerges.  Developing the proper frame of mind, body, and spirit regularly allows this to be possible.  In a sense this can be practiced.  But that initial creative whisper of notes is surely a gift.  Ever grateful for this gift, I bring to bear what I am able, sometimes even a bit more.  And then I probe, practice, investigate, and wait.

The wait must be active; learning, listening, and encouraging the sense of wonder. I am feeding the creative spirit, while nurturing the musician. What can I do today to move this process of being forward?
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Accept What I Play

While resting after dinner, I thought about how to structure my practice tonight. I will be performing three pieces this Thursday evening as part of The Fieldwork process. Two of the pieces continue to offer me difficulties with playing them. One of these Broken Wing is only a month old, while Beneath Dark Images began a long time ago and was only recently completed.

On my commute this morning I was working with visualizing BDI. I have worked with visualizing parts of this piece previously, but today I took on the entire piece. I found out that I am uncertain of the form. Reflecting on this after dinner I saw how this is true when I have played the piece. Though simple, the form has subtle changes that trip my up when I am not paying attention. There is also a tricky section with the left hand fingering where I frequently play it less than beautifully.

Knowing where I would begin my practice, I moved to the basement. I wanted to practice while suspending judgement of my playing, an idea I took from Pedro de Alcantara's excellent book on the Alexander Technique Indirect Procedures. My intention is to play beautifully and I wrote this down prior to picking up my guitar. I began to write an intention to play without judgement, when I realized that I wanted to frame this positively. My intention is to accept what I play, is where I arrived.

I began reviewing the form of BDI by simply playing the chords. Letting go of the arpeggios, and the difficult fingering, I focused on the form. Almost immediately I was pleasantly surprised with what I learned. I continued to move through the piece by section and now have a greater understanding of how the piece moves. I also clarified a choice I have been making in the bass line which may lead to improved performance and musicality.

After a short break to take in this information I went to work on the section with the difficult fingering. The second and fourth fingers of my left hand are anchored on the first and second strings while a four note bass figure is repeated twice. The difficulty arises. when I use my third finger to stretch to its' limit and play the final note on the sixth string. I was playing with just playing the bass note and the top two notes that are anchored as a chord to see where I could relax my hand. Then the Guitar Craft aphorism to "Establish the possible, while gradually moving towards the impossible," came to mind.

Allowing the second and fourth fingers to remain anchored I only played the fourth final note of the bass line with my third finger. Gently exploring how it is possible for this finger to move to the desired note. With this established I then added in the third note which is played with the first finger. Slowly working backwards through the bass line, and most importantly, I was not reinforcing the habit of use that had already been established in this section. Then I played the bass line from the beginning with the arpeggios. While I then wanted to fold this part into the entire piece and see "my improvement," I resisted this urge and began to write instead. Allowing the body time to take in this new information and for me to capture this process.

Conserve the Energy

 

During my commute this morning, I focused on listening to the two takes of Becoming that I recorded last night. I quickly settled on the second one as having the juice of the revision. I listened to this twice, and then drove in silence taking the piece in. On the next listening, I decided that this revision definitely has merit. On my final listen, I was happy with the two new high energy sections that revealed themselves last night, but unsure how the piece will work.


My evening commute found me again listening to Becoming. The piece has an opening theme which is slow and then begins to rock out a bit. The first new section continues this energy, but then the piece slowed down in the original conception. The more I listened, I became convinced that I needed to find a way to keep the energy of the piece high, if I wanted to effectively incorporate the second new section. I let the piece play in my head and then heard a potential solution.

As I was ready to begin my practice the phrase "Conserve the Energy" came to mind as to the task before me. In this spirit I began my practice with an Alexander Technique lie down. During the lie down I decided that before I began working with Becoming, I must address the other three pieces which are candidates for being performed next week. I had not played Stepping Stones in over two weeks and this is a definite for the set. So I began with SS and played it twice. Some work on the chord sequence which is still troubling me with Broken Wing was fruitful as revealed in my play through of it. Then I moved onto Becoming.

I played with the notion that came to me during the drive home, but could not find a way to make it work. Returning to what I knew of the piece, I found that I was now confused. The rhythms were muddled and the melodies lost. Rather than push on I decided to 'Conserve the Energy" and introduced another AT lie down. I was going to listen to last nights take, but I was on the floor with my books supporting my neck and decided to stay put.

When I returned to my guitar, I worked on Beneath Dark Images for a while. I began to play  Becoming and it came alive as a piece of music once more. I worked out the phrasing for the new parts and recorded them. I'll be listening to this on my commute tomorrow, trusting that the potential energy of Becoming will come forth.

Visualizing Positive Musical Experiences

 I came across this post from January Becoming, which was written when I was suffering from the flu and my mind was focusing on negative thinking.  During this time I picked up my old copy of the Inner Game of Music and read a section on trust. In this section Barry Green mentioned the use of visualizing recent positive musical experiences to foster the creative process.  This worked for me that day.  Tonight I am in a much better frame of mind regarding myself and music, and I found myself wondering about the impact of visualizing positive musical experiences from an already positive place.

I sat for a few moments and calmed my thinking.  Then drawing on my recent Alexander Technique work, I became aware of the space around me.  I then decided to improve my studio space slightly, bringing a tiny bit of order to my work.  Back on my stool,  I visualized myself during the recent Alive Again sessions and also the night the piece Broken Wing was revealed.  Then picking up my guitar, I recalled part of my improvisation from last night that stood out. I began playing this and then a section from Broken Wing.  I was with my playing in a way that usually takes me a while to achieve.  I decided to return to the theme from last night.

I played with it a bit and found a new direction to explore. After 15 minutes of this I paused, coming back to myself and the intention to play beautifully. Another attempt with the visualization and then I turned on the mp3 recorder and began to play.  I played what I had worked out so far and when I came to the end of this, I just let my hands go.  Suddenly a new idea emerged, followed by another, and then an ending.  I paused and began playing again but did not find this same twist.  But the first take is captured, thus I know where I will begin with tomorrow's practice.  I'll also be working with this visualization more and would love to hear if this practice improves your musicality?

Play It Again Sam

Finally made it to The Field again yesterday and shared two new works. One of the pieces had not been heard by anyone other than my wife prior to yesterday. While packing up at home, I decided to play the the newest piece twice. The piece is still evolving, and I always listen differently when others are listening. I made this request of the participants and they agreed.

I found myself judging a section of the work on the first play through. Arpeggios are too similar and not dynamic enough. I stumbled as I was not paying attention. As I approached the end of the piece, I began thinking "I do not want to play it twice." Part of the Fieldwork process is that the artist receives feedback on what they present. Was I becoming afraid of the feedback on this new piece? After all the feedback is the reason I am in the workshop. Was this concerning me because the listeners would have more experience with the piece after the second playing? Perhaps this would sharpen their feedback and expose me in some way. The places my mind can go to.

If I did not play it again this decision would have been fine with the other participants, but I sensed something negative and destructive in myself brewing. Perhaps I was actually hearing the work myself for the first time and was not as happy with the music as I thought I was. I decided to honor my original stated intention to play it twice. Odd feelings arose as I went to bring my hands to the guitar. I paused and inhibited the motion, allowing my breath to settle.  I gently allowed my hands to sway similar to Qi Gong and I sensed my space. I thought of freeing my neck and allowing my spine to lengthen. I did not rush nor make any intentional changes to the piece. There were no "happy accidents" during the playing, so the piece remains as it was. Overall my playing "felt" better in the second take, my attention more with the playing rather than my thinking.

Fortunately I taped this session and so I was able to listen back on my morning commute today. I did not care for the first take of this piece. I paused and watched the trees for a while before listening to the second take. I was thinking that perhaps I need to rework the one section.  Maybe the piece is not as solid as I thought. Then when I listened to the second take, the playing was more sensitive, more musical. While a change may be in order for the one section, I was not concerned with the piece overall. I also had two ideas arise that may improve the piece. By not letting go of the second take, I was able to gain a more objective view of the piece and to glimpse something in myself.

I do not know what I might think or feel about this work if I had not played it twice. But my sense is that I may have backed off from continuing with developing the piece. I need to trust the part of me that wanted to play the piece twice. And failing the ability to trust, I just need to show up and do what I say I am going to do.

The End of this Process

I was pretty well drained after work yesterday. The emotions of my visit with my friend described in the last post, coupled with the demands of another day at work had me wanting and needing an evening off. I did let go of my AT class but knew I had to practice. Tomorrow night I begin the first of four live recording gigs with Tony so I could not afford to let go of my practice. How to generate energy and enthusiasm when I just wanted to go to bed at 7:30pm?

I also recognized that I was at a familiar place energy wise that arises at the end of a process. After having worked hard for a sustained period of time and with the end is close at hand is a hazardous place for me. To be inattentive or just let go now jeopardizes all that has been applied and generated. I am committed to my music making; disciplined in my approach; and as a friend recently pointed out - devoted might be the better term. But I just had no physical nor emotional energy, or at least I thought. The mind - the place where all my problems begin. What to do? I decided on a few small areas of three pieces I could work on. Then I  pulled myself out my large black reclining chair, hesitantly letting down the leg rest, and reluctantly went down to the basement.

Slowly I worked on just the first few notes of the arpeggio that begins Dancin' Free. Adding a few notes at a time I worked through the opening section. This slow considered work connected me to the guitar and to my previous practice sessions. My attention engaged, I began to forget my tiredness.  I was just slowly, carefully playing the notes. Before I knew it I wanted to practice. And practice I did, my process staying on track. I visited several problem sections and felt my energy rise. Played through a few other pieces and completed my practice.

Tonight I began again with these problem sections which are much improved and then played through the set. Tomorrow the process of recording begins. Time to exercise care with the beginning of this new process, after a good nights sleep. Stay tuned.

New Mantra

While working with the middle section of Stepping Stones this evening I kept noticing myself catching & or holding my breath. I have seen this before and have commented previously that when I can breath throughout a piece I can play it. So tonight my new practice mantra appeared.

Stop trying - begin allowing.

Stepping Stones

The Mystery. I've been reflecting on the mystery these past few days. The Mystery of Life, the Mystery of Music, the Mystery of my own mind.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ectopsyche/ / CC BY 2.0

Tonight I warmed up and improvised a bit. Worked briefly with Dandelion Wish and then moved on to learning Stepping Stones This piece came out in July and every time I have begun learning it something new comes along. Now this is a problem of luxury of which I am not complaining.

Played through Stepping Stones and quickly saw that the first & third sections are basically in my hand. So I focused on the middle section. After a few fumbled passes at tempo in the beginning of this section, I slowed down.  As Seth Godin said in one of his blog posts a while back " If you do not have the time to do a project right the first time, what makes you think you will have time to fix it?" Works for business projects and learning a piece of music and I am certain for many other processes.

While breaking down this section and practicing it slowy I was able to enjoy the feel of the strings against my fingers and to savour the act of learning. Taking this time now will allow the entire process to be efficient. And then I can move onto learning another piece. A good night.

Trust the Process

Currently having concerns about balance in my guitar work. Recently I have been blessed with a download of new material from the muse. Three new solo guitar pieces in the past 4 weeks and a couple solid ideas for pieces. All of this is blurring in my ear. Plus there are pieces that were written during our holiday in Cambodia this spring which I have yet to get into my hands. On top of this I need to prepare for a recording session with Tony Geballe next month.

I find myself concerned with possibly loosing some of this material. This has happened in the past when I have not been as reliable in my recording rough takes and notating new material. And so what if I do loose a piece of music. Music is a gift to me. Perhaps the gift had accomplished what was needed? Trust the process.

I listened to the new works on my commute again today. Had one of them floating in and out of my brain during the day. This always helps my process when I have the music in my ear. While listening on the way home I suddenly heard the ending crystallize for "When Love is Taken." Fortunately I was listening on my portable mp3 recorded so I pulled over, hit record and sung the new ending into the machine. Good thing I did as I can not hear this ending now.

Same solution to this concern as any other - Pick up the guitar. Played two pieces that are known for a warm up. Reviewed two pieces that I know we will record, then looked at the three new works. Ended on a positive note by playing the first piece that ever came to me.

How are you maintaining balance in your pursuits.

Stay tuned!