Finding My Way Back Home

Where to begin?  Constantly. Oh that's when to begin. 

Currently I am recovering from a double hernia repair.  The first half was known and needed, while the other side was found during the procedure and will save me the trauma of another operation in the future.  I've never done "fragile" well.  I can be quiet, aware and gentle but I also have a rather large well oiled frame in reserve.  Except when I don't.  Then I begin again, within the unknowing.  Generally this is not comfortable for me.

The pain meds have been put away, so the most intense part of the recovery is over; but the physical, mental and emotional repercussions continue to resound in my being.   Fatigue in all these levels  abounds.  I rest a lot, read, watch a few shows and have been listening to music.  Most of the music I have been listening to has been new to me, a simple challenge to grow even while growth is a far away dream.

I hoped to pick up my guitar for the first time in 4 days yesterday, though it seems much longer than that.  In a sense it has been longer.  Hampered with the nagging pain of the hernia, overjoyed with being with visiting family, life's practicalities and searching for that ever elusive rest were major parts of my path during the weeks leading up to entering the body repair shop.

Now the question becomes - How to begin?

I thought of studying scores these past couple days but neither my focus nor resolve were there.  Not beating up on the musician just a simple acceptance of where I was.  Still, how will I begin after this time off could prove pivotal over time.  Plenty of options to pursue - long tones, exercises or a review of repretroire were obvious ones and if done with quality - bravo.

I yearned for a direction ...

Another day went by without my guitar.  This morning on awakening I knew I would pick it up but still this question of direction shadowed and informed me.  Could I accentuate the positive?  My hands have been still.  How to begin guiding them back home?  A venture into the unknown.  Yet a challenging one, some structure appeared necessary.  What would it be?

Investigating Scriabin's Mystic Chord came to mind.  Over the years I've experimented with this chord to no avail.  How might I today?  The what to do had manifested, now how?  I needed an intention.  With hands, heart and head out of sync how to guide them back home? Simple - connection.  My intention was to connect with myself, my guitar and music; pure and simple Guitar Craft Fundamentals.

As I moved towards my case, I sensed my hands.  Noticing my nails have not been addressed in some time, I knew that the appointed reunion would have to wait just a few more precious moments.  The need to address the practicalities of practice is part of the path.  Nice to be home.

Again.


Photo by Yogendra Joshi

Gathered Hearts

Yesterday was my Brother's Birthday - the first born.  I meditated on my parents within me and felt their joy on this day 69 years ago.  My young proud Father beaming - it's a boy, it's a boy;  My Son.  Cigar smoke wafting with joy; the incense of the working class of Southeast Baltimore.  Life.  Life.

Impermanent, yet ongoing.  Nourish the dearth of death with one more conscious breath.  Touch the life of those around I remind myself.

Now.

I played Gathered Hearts for them; for me.  Then I called my sister-in-law to see how she was doing.

Photo by Dan DeLuca

Practicing With Intentional Distraction

As I pondered what to practice today, my thoughts shifted to how to practice.  With quality of course and in pursuit of excellence.  What would best serve me as a performing musician?  The first piece in a performance has always challenged me, particularly as a soloist.  I want to begin with a piece that has energy, yet I begin it to fast.  I can not imitate a new space within my home, just need lots of different stage for that.  Nor can I imitate many of the other distractions that arise from people around the venue.  While reflecting on this, I also recalled how the struggle with beginning pieces is not isolated to the first piece in a performance context.  So how to practice with this?

As an experiment I decided to not any warm up nor undertake any intentional acts to focus myself.  Just sit down and begin a piece, even a couple takes of the same beginning.  Then I did about five minutes work organizing a pile of papers, filing, chucking and get little emotional jolts of things I need to get done.  I would then sit down and begin another piece, then back to the pile.  Another beginning, followed by a different beginning, followed by more organizing.  Research has found that switching between tasks is a strain on brains and focus.

As is performance.  Things happen. People move about.  Some chatter.  Lights are in your eyes.  External distractions abound, yet the internal ones remain the most difficult to deal with and today I found one way to work with some.  I continued this for an hour, even playing an entire piece at times.  Then I decided to move back from the pile and play a three song set.  Horrible, it was absolutely horrible.  My focus was shot.  But just as if I was on stage I kept playing through the set.

This will not become my normal practice routine, but I may experiment with it again.  Onwards!

Photo by birgerking

Play It Backwards

After practicing yesterday we drove to Dillsburg, Pennsylvania.  My wife and I offered a day long Meditation and Qi Gong retreat today that was well received and as always happens when we do these events we were energized.  Pack up and drive home with a stop in a small town for dinner.  Unpacking our car at 7:30, we took a quick walk around our block to take in our local Cherry Blossoms.

Ordinarily this would be enough for me, but I do have the gig at Electric Maid  tomorrow.  I knew if I did not review the pieces in the set, I'd be concerned about my performance.  Too close for a night off and the show must go on.  After a hot shower, I sat for a few minutes to summon my energies.  Pick particular pieces or run the set were the options I saw.  Then the thought arrived, play the set backwards. Which is what I've done so far.  Beginning with the last piece and working my way back to the beginning.  Very tired, but exercising my memory, my heart, and my commitment.  When I arrived at the middle I decided a short break was in order.

Maybe now when I go back, I'll play from the beginning of the set and see the middle from both directions.

Photo by Suzette.

Rooted

Standing on the Earth, I am rooted in the Earth, rooted in the tradition, and nourished by Love.  If I play music with attention, I can share and grow Love.  With my feet standing on the Earth, my arms, hands, & fingers embrace the guitar as my mind engages with the impossible.  Harmony being nurtured and fostered by an open heart and awareness of my breath.  Rooted, alive and full of aspiration.  Asking for help along the way and being grateful for that which comes.

First one note, then another.  First hope, second understanding, then love follows the unseen score.  Faith in the unknown reconciles the trials of tribulation of hours of practice and the possible public failure.  One step, one practice session and then many many others.  Vibrations sounding, attracting and inviting all that is.  But first I must pick up the guitar, then ask for help.

Free this coming Sunday 4/12/15 at 7pm.  Support with your ears is welcome and needed.  More information at the link below.

Solo acoustic guitar, sitar, and solo electric guitar.

Photo by Fred Bigio

The Creative Spark

Wherein lies the creative spark?  

Frozen in ice?  

Melting from photos?  

Floating like a feather? 

Is it lightly dark & messy?  

Hard and fantastic?  

Do I construct my daily web of practice making myself available to receive it?

Hint: It's everywhere - get to work.

Photo by Surian Soosay

When Snow and Notes Fall

I was watching a beautiful snow fall this afternoon.  Thoughts about practicing guitar arose and were countered with - I did have a good practice this morning.  True, but I was in a great place, which is always a good time to practice.  Besides I thought I could practice looking out the window as the snow fell.

And it was beautiful - watching snow without concern, while playing.  Can I release the notes as effortlessly, beautifully and uniquely as each snowflake?  Just as the snow cascades from the sky, may the notes release from my guitar with rhythm and space amongst them.  May they blanket the ears of the listener as gracefully as the snow caresses the trees and grass.  May my notes resonate after they have landed continuing to inspire, change, and add to the life of the listener.  May I be as silent as the Heavens from which the snow and music descends.

Photo by Rabiem22

Heart Strings

Music should go right through you, leave some of itself inside you, and take some of you with it when it leaves. - Henry Threadgill

Sounds like the action of love to me.  As a musician do I cultivate the ability to play in such a way that the heart is stirred?  How might this be?  Do I have a connection with my own heart might be one answer.  Do I have a connection with the listener?  Do I have a connection with something greater? 

May I have the discipline to develop these connections today and always.  If not music, may I at least bring a little love into our World.

Photo by Xanna Ziskey

Doing the Work

Yesterday was very productive for me.  I had many personal items to address.  All of these took longer than I anticipated as is the nature of life. After dinner I had a brief nap with the intention of putting in my 2 hours of guitar work afterward.  I was awakened from the nap by a friend in need. I was happy to respond but did not arrive back home until 9:15 pm.

After a snack and brief conversation with my wife, I went to work at 9:35 pm. I had made a commitment to practice guitar two hours a day while participating with The Orchestra of Crafty Guitarists XI - Preparation Course at a distance.The first hour was relatively easy.  After a five minute break I resumed, looking at the clock and feeling sleepy. At 10:55 pm I paused to do an Alexander Technique lie down.  Oh did my body need this, want this, and then the urge to crawl into bed was so so strong.  At 11:05 pm I was back on my stool.  I asked the course for help.  It did not seem to be arriving so I struggled, rationalized and refocused constantly; only to be distracted by my body and now my feelings.

Then with 20 minutes to go, I had a thought to look at an old score I found cleaning up last week. This score represents an idea I've not been able to complete. The working title is Corvus and dates from 2011. This is revisited about every 6 months.  I can not find where to it wants to go, but I love what has unfolded.  While refamiliarising myself with the notes and structure, energy arrived from the course and from the piece.  Through I mistake, I saw the potential for where Corvus might take off.  After putting away the guitar, I was exhausted.  I then had trouble falling asleep. C'est la vie.

Photo by Magnus Franklin

The Way to Freedom

To paraphrase the Venerable Thich Nhat Hahn - there is no way to freedom, freedom is the way.
As I journaled this morning, looking forward to my guitar practice on this day, the above came to me.  How best to prepare for the gig on Saturday?  Practice skillfully.  Act from principles.  Make decisions on what best serves the music, not my ego. Allow the Alexander Technique to direct my thinking in regard to movement, through movement, and perhaps into new relationships with myself, the guitar and maybe even music.  May I play this day with the same care and attention that I play a melody. 

The Doors Between

In the universe, there are things that are known, and things that are unknown, and in between, there are doors. ~ William Blake (1757-1827)


Sometimes I must ask, where are those doors Mr. Blake? Where is the path leading to the door?  What does it take to open a door?  To walk through?

Each day I must begin again.  Step out onto the path of life journeying through well used known doors; unknown doors and perhaps the trickiest ones - the doors I do not see.  Thus I sit and do nothing to begin the journey of the new day.  Cultivating awareness that I know I will be distracted from, yet without the cultivation process where would I be?  Thrown up against a door I am not interested in?  Pushed through an unwanted door once again by habit & misguided desires?  Splintering the door of peace by bashing my mind against another?

Yes do nothing.  Ask the Universe for guidance and direction.  Pause, asking again, as often as I remember.  I am grateful for those who remind of the path, that remind me of the doors, that point the way.  I recall a line from a poem I wrote years ago - Where is the door which shelters silence?

Photo by Darwin Bell

Little Directions

Tuesday night I was able to rejoin the Alexander Technique class with David Jernigan and others after an absence due to participating with The Field and then traveling.  Another student who has been working with AT for a few years now brought up a practice that he, David and I undertook 18 months ago.  For the first 5 minutes of our day we would work with AT.  For me this took the form of sitting on the side of the bed and thinking through the AT directions.  Three minutes into this practice today, I noticed my right shoulder & arm just let go. Just a little shift, but merely through offering thoughts of direction to my body Was the shift due to something held in my sleeping posture or just a habitual manner of my overall use?

Moving to the kitchen to make coffee, I again directed my thinking via AT.  Appeared so easy when not encumbered with the concerns and actions of my day.  The term "little directions" arose at this time.  Little as in a brief time to apply the technique in the mundane activities of life.  Seems I can find freedom in my use a bit easier than when guitar in hand I aim to make music.  The actions of playing an instrument are certainly more complex than sitting or standing and there is the emotional concern of how do I sound or why am I not making progress with this musical section.  One premise of AT is that how we do one thing is how we do everything.  Hence freedom in a simple act interpenetrates the more complex actions we undertake.  And merely by a little thought, a little direction before moving.

Later in the day as I moved to my guitar practice, I paused and directed again before opening my case.  My wish was to open my case to freedom and allow this to inform my playing.  As I worked on a few different parts from various pieces I was patient, pausing to direct frequently.  With this heightened awareness I saw that I was trying to help my hands rather than allow them to execute the musical phrases.  Helping took the form of leaning into a phrase with  my upper body; tightening my right thigh or gripping the floor with my feet.  Get out of the way, but how?  Little directions - forward   up   long   wide   . Direct out of the way; away from habit and pause again.  Direct my way to freedom a little bit at a time.  Smiling as I see a habit of holding onto life when I need to let go to life freeing up just a little.


Photo by Fiona McAllister

Ear Training for Music and Life

Listening - one key to musicianship and to survival in life.  For musicians there are a variety of ear training programs available to develop this skill.  Processes to develop our listening in life are a bit more elusive and perhaps a bit more difficult to implement when found.

I can listen and learn to identify tones and intervals on my guitar or a piano in a practice studio.  The stakes here are practically nonexistent. But how to practice deep listening with a loved one?  How to listen when another person is distressed?  As our world becomes smaller and full of people who absolutely know that they are right - can I listen to them? Will I listen to them?  Can I listen to the dissonant and complex harmonies of clashing cultural, religious and political storms?  Can I hear in my heart and soul that we all want and need to be heard?  Especially those I dislike?  Those that offend me?  Those I do not understand?

I can hear the urgency of the cry of a loved one in distress, but what about their more subtle and nuanced tones?  When I hear fear, will I resolve it's jagged melody?  Allow the driven tempo of anger to come to rest?  To resolution?  What do I hear in silence?  Effective listening requires practice.  Practice quieting my mind; quieting my feelings.  Practice building awareness of where I am here and now.  Practice, discipline, practice. Very similar to learning an instrument - the voice of love.  Dare I listen as if the world depended on it?  The practice begins - Now!

Let my being
Intently focus on
Speech
Tone
Emotion
Now

After writing this much I was not sure this post was complete.  Time to pick up my guitar I reasoned.  Listen to her and see if any answers or clarity arrived.  Before entering my practice space, I paused, connected with my intention and  myself.  Freedom in playing was my intention.  A few minutes into running through my second piece, Turning the Wheel,  I noticed an internal dialogue was underway.  I paused to quiet, good to listen to myself I reasoned.  Freedom may very well begin in the mind.  After quieting my mind I resumed playing the piece.  After working with a transition, I moved on to an improvisation.  Simple and beautiful.  Then another improvisation which became complicated, judgement arose in my mind.  Can I listen to my improvisations without judgement?  Can I listen to another person without judgement?  Ah the work never ends.

Photo by Tinu

Feedback

Feedback.  How valuable when one can get honest feedback. Not I like or dislike something, but what happened within the recipient?  Today my wife provided this for me.  I've been playing around with an idea for the past 2 weeks.  An opening arrived that I could not develop.  Then a couple days later another idea arrived that also stagnated.  After a week, I was drifting away from them when I saw they were related.  Combining them a form began to emerge along with energy to keep investigating.

The form is a bit nebulous but I do have a title.  The title actually triggered the idea, but am I finding, defining, and elaborating this within the energy of notes?  I did not share the title with Joann as I wanted too see if the music was carrying the sentiment.  She gave me feedback pointing towards the intent and then I played it again.  Is this a piece or just an idea?

That she could not answer, my work lies within that question.  Her feedback did give me information that this work in progress is conveying the sense of the piece and that I should continue to develop it.

Photo by Jurgen Appelo.

Be the Craft

I sat with my guitar this morning for a few minute before playing.  Connecting with myself via the Alexander Technique directions; finding my breath and my wish. I recalled a statement made by Sister Jewel in a Dharma Talk she gave at the Washington Mindfulness Community last year.  She was struggling with a close relationship, wanting to help, when she saw that she needed to be a Buddha, not a Buddhist.

Holding that thought for a moment I began to play.  Alert, relaxed, and present, when the thought arrived - Be the Craft, not a Craftie.  This carried me through a short but spirited practice session and a bit of a breakthrough with a new piece that is developing.  Then I returned to rest, allowing the melodic idea to percolate.

During this session I taped two versions of this new adaptation of The Choice.  Generally I'll do this to save an idea, in case I need to refer to it later.  I tend not to listen to these early versions as frequently the unsure execution  can take me out of the music.  Judging the music unfairly.. Today, perhaps as part of trusting The Craft, I did listen to the recording away from the guitar.  And yes, the execution needs work, but the sense of the music is there and I heard a possible ending that I may not have heard with guitar in hand.  Now I know where to begin my next practice.  Life is very good.



Photo by Barry Stock.

Lead With the Mind and Play

Still weak in my body from the bug I caught.  Good news is that the mind and emotions have been relatively still today.  This actually is a good place to play from, though the body is a bit dull thoughts and feelings were not providing obstacles to work through.  Perhaps the mind was focused on my healing. Most of the day I've been resting and reading The Gift of Rain by Tan Twan Eng, a beautifully written novel.  The main character Philip Hutton practices martial arts and zazen so there is a quality about his training that resonates with me.  providing another reminder to practice with what is in front of me.

Twice I have picked up my guitar today.  The first time after a nap and feeling yucky I began to play and listen to a single note.  I do this often, as a way to focus my listening, and to wake up. Then I began an improvisation that quickly turned into noodling.  Yet the noodling was joyful so I continued.  No seriousness was needed at this moment of time.  Probably never is needed, but certainly not now.  A few surprises inspired me during this noodling, as years of practicing various exercises sometimes come together providing nourishment for future hours of work.

The second time, I was more mindful of my approach.  I knew when I picked up my case and placed it on the bed.  I was aware of lifting her from the case.  We sat together for a few minutes before I played. Lead with the mind was the phrase spoken by Philip Hutton's sensai in the novel that then led me.  I played, just played a piece inspired by my brother.  Noticing I was in a special place, I played another piece.  I repeated one of the lines a few times in this piece as it needed to be refreshed.

Before beginning another piece I recalled an instruction given by Robert on a course once Play like the world depended on it! And so I did.

An Ongoing Journey

Thinking about what to tell an aspiring musician looking to take lessons in the New Year.

Fall in love with a note.

Fall in love with Silence.

Practice.

Photo by Staffan Scherz

Practicing With a View

I am ever so fortunate to have this as a practice space this morning.  A view of awe & splendor, the beauty of our planet reminding me, urging me to be present with the notes echoing the Divine.  The mountain before me so solid, yet shrouded in the mystery of the clouds.  Impermanence on display as the water undulates to the rhythm of the universe and the clouds dance ever so gently about the mountain and the sky.

This view also provides an illustration of the Alexander Technique.  Long in my spine and limbs is reflected by the height of the mountain.  Wide in my back & shoulders enhanced by the horizon and the breadth of the sea. Freedom in my pelvis shown me by the swaying clouds at the base of the mountain.  The sea, the light, and the clouds are all flowing, not assuming a fixed position.  Freedom in movement inspired & nourished as the fishing boats are poised for their task. I am reminded that the Earth is rotating at 1600 kilometers per hour and that I have absolutely no sense of this motion.

I come back to myself.  Finding my breath, sensing my body, and touching my wish.  I begin playing Forget Me Knot and think of my brother and his family.  Love is awakened by the notes and a wave of feeling washes through me.  Letting the feelings come through me, through the notes, but not overwhelming either.  Breathing in the fresh sea air and fishing for the depths that music offers.  The melodies merge with the breaking surf while my heart seeks to meld with what is greater.  More views surface now, those that are within.

The sea reflects to me questions about views.  Do I hold fast to my views or work to be free of them?  Though the answer is clouded on this day, this particular glimpse of our world gives me hope.  All is possible.  Freedom may be as near as my thinking.

Mutiple Practices Supporting One Another

We had a wonderful Qi Gong session with Master Nianzu Li on the banks of Sligo Creek this morning.  The gentle energizing movements inviting me to be long & wide from a different perspective.  Between movements in Qi Gong there is a pause, an opportunity to practice what Master Li refers as Triple Regulation.  During this time we check in with our body, mind and breath and relax or engage what is needed.  Frequently I use this pause as an opportunity to direct my thinking via the Alexander Technique.  Allowing the directions to release my neck, back and limbs.  This correlates with me with an ancient Chinese aphorism Ei Dao, Qi Dao - where the mind goes, the Qi goes.


After breakfast I did 30 minutes of organizing and then began my guitar practice.  I love the opportunity to practice in the early morning, especially after such an energizing Qi practice.  I began improvising simple melodies and playing with where they took me.  After this I decided to play through a piece I know well as a warm up, but to play it louder than I normally would.  The twist here being that I wanted to pay attention to my use as I played loud.  Pausing to direct via the Alexander Technique,  I began to play loud.  Why did my right elbow tense as I played loud?  Then I noticed unnecessary tension in my right shoulder, most likely arising from within my neck.  All because of playing loud?  Does loud really require that much force?  Was part of this some type of emotional blockage arising?

When the piece was over, I thought it was good to direct via the Alexander Technique again and let go.  Moving onto working with a tremolo piece - Senseless Loss.  I worked up to where I can play this at a tempo of 76 accurately.  I played through it once and then moved the metronome up to 80 and just played the  last few bars.  Then I put the metronome at 84 and played the same few bars without success.  I back off to a setting of 82 and then recalled an exercise from Pedro de Alcantara's wonderful book  Indirect Procedures: A Musician's Guide to the Alexander Technique (Clarendon Paperbacks).  On the second beat of each measure you insert a rest.  I began working with the ending in this manner for the next 20 minutes until I could successfully play the ending.  I took a break and then resumed this work but added in a few more bars.  When this was successful I went back to a tempo of 80 and played the entire piece.  I smiled at how easy this happened.  By tackling the ending first the rest fell in place effortlessly.

After this I did a 15 minute Alexander Technique lie down.  I noticed just a little bit of tension around the middle of my spine and back.  Slowly the muscles released as did this discomfort.  Back to the guitar.  I turned on the tape machine to play through 3 pieces I've been working with.  Midway through the second piece I lost my focus and turned off the recorder.  Pausing and directing once again, I again turned on the machine.  Does turning on the tape machine turn on my internal chatter or do I just notice the chatter more?  Though not flawless I did make it through this time. 

I am grateful that I have these wonderful practices of music, Qi Gong, Meditation, and the Alexander Technique that all support one another and me.  Life is very very good.

Doing What I Ought

When I was ready to practice this evening, I sat first to reflect on what to practice.  I knew what I wanted to do, just play through a few pieces as I did this morning.  But part of me knew I needed more than this.  What would be the most valuable use of my time so that I would improve my musical abilities?  As I sat quietly, the word "ought" arose from an earlier conversation.  I seldom hear "ought" used in speech these days, but am certain I did hear this word in my youth.

Something about the feel of the word, got me going.  What ought I practice rather than what do I want to do.  As I sat with this a phrase from the piece Enclosing came to mind.  I was working on this phrase last night, and recalled that while it was improving, the phrase could still be played better; needs to be played better.  Now I had something to work on. 

After 25 minutes I took a short break.  The phrase and the ending which follows were improving.  During the break I looked up the word "ought" and found this: used to indicate obligation or duty.  Yes, as a musician I have a duty to work on my technical abilities so that music can come through.  An obligation to myself and to music to address my weaknesses.  I did a few minutes of Qi Gong to relax my arms and hands and then resumed practicing.  Now the phrase was beginning to sing, almost effortlessly coming through my hands, my head, and my heart.  I worked on it a bit more.

Confident that enough attention had been devoted to this phrase tonight, I began to just play.  A simple, but beautiful phrase fell from the skies.  I played it again, then again.  The third time sensing the change that was needed and viola, the change appeared.  Playing a bit more and another section followed.  I began recording as I played with this newest section to capture what might arise.  I continued to explore what was offered, happy and grateful for the gift.  Perhaps I ought to do similar practice again tomorrow.  What ought thou be doin'?