Disconnect From Desire

Last night was the works-in-progress showing with The Field/DC.  Having this opportunity to perform meant a lot to me and even though I understand that it is about works-in-progress,  it still carries the weight of a performance.  In a black box setting no less.

 My performance began poorly.  This permeated the set, keeping the music tethered.  Why?  Certainly the inspiration from the muse is in the notes and several members of the audience heard this. I could offer reasons and have to myself in my journal.  I've also seen how I can be more effective in the next opportunity.  No matter how I practice getting ready for performance, there is no other situation I can manufacture that provides that additional edge to be navigated.  As the aphorism states - we begin again constantly, so I will, always do. 

A bit of a funk was about me this morning as I rose.  I did practice my morning routine, but it was clouded by this negative impression from last night.   I knew it would pass, everything does.  Rather than work with music, I did some practical work and then went to an afternoon showing of A Most Wanted Man with my wife, followed by a late lunch.  Arriving home I picked up the guitar and played the opening phrase from last night beautifully.  Ahhh, a bit of teeth grinding.  Can I live with the uncertainty of live performance?   Sensing it was not yet time to practice as I was tired and the mood could tip back, I read and had a short nap.

Upon awakening, I picked up the guitar again.  I re-familiarized myself with a piece that I've not played in a while and decided I could keep this one in my pocket for a longer performance this coming Tuesday night.  I then allowed my fingers to find an arpeggio and played this in five.  Another one appeared and then another.  The whisper of the muse, urging me to follow, to connect.  I worked with this a bit, and then a break to eat.   Returning to the spark, more notes arrived.  Happy with the guitar now, knowing why I devote myself to this each day.  A darker twist in the music arrived and I'm smiling.

Since I was not certain where to go next with this idea, I notate what is there.  I title it Study in Five. Then returning to the guitar, the darker phase lengthens a bit.  Stuck again, I consult the web version of Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies.  The oracle offers - Disconnect From Desire.  As I ponder how this relates to the evenings work, I sense a larger offering is being made.  What desires did I hold regarding last night?  About performing music in general?  My head, my heart, and my hands are fallible, yet still the muse invites me back.  If tonight's idea is only a way to soften my heart and to kindle my head with a musical challenge,  my hands were ready to create the sounds.

After pondering the strategy, I returned to the guitar.  Playing what I had so far, I listened for what was next.  More notes arrived, leading up to a possible ending.  My spirit is ready for a new beginning.

Photo by Tankawho

Walking With Alexander

This morning I practiced meditation with the Still water Mindfulness Practice Center.  A wonderful way to begin my day, especially on a gig day.  The extra added support and energy provided by a group of practicioners is nourishing.  When the period of sitting meditation ends there is always a brief period for people to unfold their legs and stretch before we stand and begin walking meditation.  I sit in a chair due to vein issues I developed years back.  As I saw the bell inviter reach for the walking bell, I thought how am I going to get out of this chair?  An opportunity to practice the Alexander Technique from a calm and clear state of mind and body.


I directed my head forward and up and continued to practice this simple act along the directions we have worked with in class and lessons over the years.  Smiling as I faced the community, the thought arrived that I could incorporate AT into my walking meditation this morning.  The practice of walking meditation is a practice where each step is taken mindfully.  One step on the in breath and one on the out breath.  During each breath one is invited be aware of the breath, the step and a thought such as peace, love, or joy.  I usually use this practice to manifest positive attributes in myself.  Today I worked with walking meditation and AT in this manner.

Breathing in - I know I am breathing in ( or simply "in)
Breathing out - I know I am breathing out ( or simply "out")

Breathing in - Forward
Breathing out - Up

Breathing in - Long
Breathing out - wide.

I walked for about 5 minutes in this manner, repeating the triplet of directions while maintaining awareness of my steps.  Thinking-in-activity would be the Alexandrian concept behind this.  For me this was easy as the practice of walking meditation is deeply rooted in me.  Due to the slowness of the steps, this is possible for anyone wishing to experiment with AT directing while walking.  I kept this somewhat alive as we sat again and had a reading and brief discussion.  As I left the building and saw the beautiful day unfolding, while my steps were now 3-4 to each breath, I again kept the directions alive.  This is a way to practice walking meditation outside in public view.  Still slower than many pedestrians hustling to school and work, but not drawing attention to oneself.

Now if only I could keep the AT directions alive while typing.  Progress not perfection I suppose.

Photo By Paul Davis.

Exercising Freedom Part II

Since my intent was to explore my freedom in this practice session, I began with an Alexander Technique lie down as  this simple yet powerful process opens my body and mind. From there I moved onto a little vocal improvisation, a bit goofy & scat-like by my untrained voice. From there onto a guitar improvisation, not as free as the vocal one, but exploratory, even fun.

I sat down and began working with some of Balk’s Facial Mode Exercises.  Playing the opening sections to the three pieces I’ll be performing at The Field, I worked with taking in the room with my eyes, then eyes closed,  and eyes and mouth wide open.  I also played with a couple facial expressions.  Though I’m not sure I’d ever perform with any of these, certainly the eyes and mouth wide open, it is the freedom to do so, while playing them I am looking for. Next I moved to standing and repeated this sequence.

Moving onto exercising the kinesthetic mode things got a bit playful. I was playing while standing on one leg and then shifting to the other one, when the Alexander Technique  arrived uninvited by myself into my thinking.  I wondered was my neck free?  From here I began to direct my use actively while still playing with standing on one leg. When both legs were on the floor I would direct myself forward & up, long and wide; then lift the opposite leg for a few seconds and repeat.  An energetic shift and a new sense of freedom arrived.

From here I began to work with playing each piece in a different order than the set.  While also working with exercising the three modes as Balk describes them - the facial, the kinesthetic, and the emotional in a manner that would support the individual piece.  Moving about my practice space, sometimes gracefully, sometimes with detachment, other times  seductively, I explored these choices.  Activating the face and emotions to support the movements continued to add to this energetic shift. 

While playing through Forget-Me-Knot I turned towards the dining room and saw the flowers on our table.  Such pure and simple beauty penetrating me as I played.  My motion stopped as the notes flowed.  I completed the piece and gently took in the process.

Soon the thought arrived to play through the set.  Instead I decided that I was free to choose to not do this, not just yet.  I could continue to explore and expand my freedom of choices while being in no hurry to measure their success or not.  This felt very right.

Moving onto a new idea that recently arrived I explored the theme with some new twists.  Seated without concern for Balk’s exercises just  playing with the notes.  Satisfied I moved onto a piece I’ll be performing next week that has a  very thorny section in it.

I took on this new piece of work in a seated position and played a bit with the facial exercises seeing if this might disrupt my habitual playing of this section.  I focused solely on this section and slowed my playing way down.  Randomly moving  through the section I would play a few bars and then apply AT inhibition. A few times, even at this slow pace, I found myself flinching and or tightening my neck.  Then I slowed the playing even more, looking for smooth and fluid execution from a free body and mind.  Then I stood and began to slowly move as I played with random measures, sometime recombining ideas, oftentimes inhibiting my next action.  A freshness arrived as this came alive.  Similar to the shift that had occurred earlier I wanted to play through this piece and measure the results  Instead I choose to do an AT lie down and let the changes settle in.

Exercising Freedom

In 19  , Robert suggested to our group of local crafties a book - The Radiant Performer, by H. Wesley Balk, which is an approach to exercising different parts of a performer, particularly as  demanded by singing-acting.  I dutifully found a copy and for years maybe even over a decade, could not really make heads nor tails of how to apply this to myself.  Yet I am persistent and would investigate the work at different periods.  First I had to work through my severe entanglement wrought by fear during the lead up to and through the act of performance.

The past few years I periodically work with applying some of Balk's exercises with the intent of freeing myself to the act of performing music.  Approaching freedom comes in various ways - meditation, the Alexander Technique,  and a disciplined approach to learning a piece.  Balk's approach uses exercises that deal with the physical and emotional centers of the performer and provides ways to access and develop these. My interpretation of some of his exercises is my own, as I have never  worked with anyone versed in his approach.

Recently I've been reading parts of this book again and was captivated by these words:

  The performer can develop a freedom of performance choice that will give his every action a different quality than if he did not know that freedom of choice.  This is a somewhat mystical but down-to-earth principle that one of my very bright students christened "the synergy of the known but unused."  It means that each individual choice has power in proportion to the number of other choices that could have been made even if these choices have not been actually practiced.

One choice I move between is do I perform seated or standing?  In a relatively short performance of 10 minutes as I am facing with The Field/DC this week, there is little difference to me.  Overall I tend towards more freedom in my body and perhaps my emotions when standing, but over a longer time period of performing my focus holds up better when seated.  Having spent much more time both practicing and performing seated than standing I may also have developed more habits, both useful and not, that have built up over time.

Today I choose to exercise myself both seated and standing and tossed in some playing while moving for good measure. An interesting energetic shift occurred which I lack the time to detail now.  More coming very soon.  Stay tuned.

Widening My Practice

I begin my practice in an empty room within an old wood home.  As I noticed yesterday the window frames are so wide, a beautifully carved brown frame opening out into our world.  My case lies on the floor next to a chair.  I pause and inhibit my urge to open the case.  Where am I, I ask myself?  How wide are my feet on the floor?  Smiling as I think of Missy Vineyard, I use her take on the Alexander Technique with the negative direction - I am not holding onto my width.  Never good to get fixated on a notion of how to use myself nor how to direct my thinking.

As I bend to my case I direct my spine to be long as David Jernigan has urged me so many times in lessons.  My next thought - I am not holding onto my neck ... then I am not holding onto my desires.  Finally I open my case.  The good news is that I am much more present and aware of myself; the space I am in; and the intent of my practice than if I had not inhibited my act of opening the case.

As I begin to improvise I surprise myself with the direction the improv takes.  The thought how wide can I flow in my improvisation arises?  As I continue the improv, the habitual asserts itself, but now I see an opportunity to explore.  How wide can I stretch my knowledge of music theory?  How might I incrementally work on this?   I pause to jot down these questions.

As the day moves on and interactions with people accumulate I find myself asking - How wide is my acceptance of others?  Which led to how wide is my acceptance of myself?  Is there a difference?  Smiling as I notice that this path through "wide" is also deep.

Photo by Xubayr Mayo

AT Lessons From My Surroundings

I've been practicing in different physical spaces the last few days and am finding the spaces or objects within them speaking to me of "wide." This thought of wide has not been from my actively directing my thinking via Alexander Technique but just arising from the environment in which I am playing.

In El's Hermitage, I notice a Buddha  carved from wood on the shelf, in a seated position with shoulders that were just wide.  Not stretched, not out of proportion just wide.  I paused to observe this, allowing this statue to inform me.  The space itself was adequate; not large by any means, just enough.  As I noticed this Buddha again,  I saw the "forward & up" of his being.  Perhaps my first AT lesson from a statue.

In the home of another friend I was provided with an empty room to practice within.  A carpet covering most of the wood floor and two windows with shades.  At one point, I noticed how wide the window was that I was facing.  Another piece of wood inviting me to allow my shoulders to be wide; which spread to my feet and  my right hand.  No need to fix nor hold any of the muscles in my body.   Allow the neck to be free, and all of me to be long & wide.   As I worked with a slow melodic phrase, I noticed how I could allow the rests between the notes to also "be wide."  No need to rush the next note, allow the space between notes to be as wide as needed, just as I can allow my back and shoulders to be wide.

The seeds of AT have been planted, nourished and arise in various ways.  Where will the next noticing arrive from?  

Be Wide

Practicing a difficult section this morning, I was proceeding slowly.  Noticing just what my hands are doing, or not.  As I continued this gentle exploration, I realized that I needed to widen my attention to what was my shoulders doing; what was my neck doing? How am I using myself?  A bit of hunkering down and in to tackle this "problem" - or in other words an illustration of "end gaining" manifesting in Patrick's body & mind.  I have seen this drawing down & in before thanks to the Alexander Techniques in a variety of situations.  Usually ones of difficulty, time pressure, or emotional upheaval.   Now thanks to noticing, I was able to pause, direct, & inhibit this hunkering down.

As I was playing the few bars leading up to this section, my thought was "go wide."  A succinct and distilled expression of AT inviting in a few precious moments of freedom from the mule of habits.  I need to be alive within this animal that I am, open to freedom in the moment of doing, directing how I use myself to play my instrument.  Certainly habits are useful, but awareness more so.  And new more efficient habits can be created, directed, and put in place.  But more important than any individual habit, is the need to continue to grow in awareness of how I am doing anything.  As I have known for years, how I do one thing, is how I do everything.  While new habits can manifest, this is not easy - practice, ongoing practice is the key.


Photo by Uncorrected Proofs.