Raef

raef

That's fear backwards

Philippe Petit

What is music without an audience?

I have learned that the audience is the Mother to Music.

Fortunately I tended not to fear my Mother,

but oh I how I feared an audience.

Now I know this fear of an audience is backwards.

And the way I learned it was through.

With guitar in hand, notes in mind and hope in my heart, (along with various iterations of fear)

over and over.

The mirror reflecting my fear

and the act of performing becoming my path.

Now the fear is I not find a suitable venue to perform within.

The path continues ...

The Stupidest Fear Yet

Last night I was looking at relationships between three scales.  I found this particular theory years ago in a back by Walter Mathieu called Harmonic Experience: Tonal Harmony from Its Natural Origins to Its Modern Expression. Periodically I look at work again, but am usually overwhelmed.  Last night I saw a bit of hope in moving forward with this if only a tiny bit.  Most of my musical progress comes from small but persistent efforts.

Tonight I decided to play with these ideas and something began to take off.  I was making notes on this, with my guitar on, seated by my desk.  A recipe for what the Alexander Technique calls poor use.   I loose awareness of myself, and twist & torque my body.  But the notes were made on what I had so far.  I decided to do a lie down and was grateful as my back touched the floor.  The tension generated by tiredness and poor use had me.  As this released I began audiating what I had so far, I heard something exciting happening.  Then this stupid little fear whispered - but you'll never be able to play that.

I could not believe it.  And I also chose not to listen to the fear.  I returned to playing & exploring.  Willing to allow the muse to speak and to do what is necessary to allow her to be heard.  Ive had a lot of dealings with fear over the years, but this was a new one.

Gentle Persistence

Fear.  Always fear.  Why?

There is a piece that has been whispering to me for years.  Recent listening to  various recordings from times when I have been actively working with this piece, has let me hear that there is music there.  Even a beginning, a middle, and an end; just not all on the same recording.  Tonight when I was working with this piece, the struggle to pick up these parts by ear frustrates me.  And this frustration invites the sprouting of fear.

I'm not good enough. I will never figure this out so why not let it go.  God knows what else lurks beneath.  Ah. Now that's out.  Returning to one of my favorite GC aphorisms We begin again constantly, I set the guitar down, breath a bit and return.  Knowing that gentle persistence will yield a few more notes and something positive to build upon. To give in fear is to perish.

Where Does Fear Reside?

A rare morning, home alone, I noticed as soon as I woke that there was still a certain freedom present in me from my AT work last night.  Very similar to the day after a good AT lesson or an hour's worth of Qi Gong under the direction of Nianzu Li.  This sense was heightened by my personal Qi Gong practice and then as I practiced my sitting meditation, I noticed how alive and still my body was immediately.  As I scanned my body, I became aware of that area of my back that habitually holds tensions.  Is this where fear is stored within me I wondered?

Breathing into this area, directing my neck to be free and my spine and back to be long and wide.  The thought arrived may my neck be free of fear.  Where did this come from?  Then I sensed those muscles of the neck that go much deeper into my chest and back then I ever realized prior to working with AT.  How many times in my life have I flinched at mistakes or had my startle response triggered by real or imaginary actions?  Have these episode been completed and released or do they still reside within my body/mind complex.  Of course they do is the quick answer, but I know these fears are not as omnipresent as they once were.

As I noted last night Clouds Never Die, and neither do my experiences.  Transformation is possible though.  The Clouds of my life frequently obscure truth and may even be buried deep within.  Patient, deliberate and directed practice will continue to yield positive results in a slow incremental fashion.  Then the occasional leap arrives.  Dancing across the sky with abandon, fears shed and light shines. The potential for a leap is always present, but the causes and conditions need to be nourished.  How are you nourishing your self right now?  Where is your awareness right Now?