Alive Again - With Gratitude

A beautiful fall morning with an afternoon performance today. Feeling good about the process today. I suspect that our work with live recording will enhance my future studio work. Certainly my abilities as a performer have been stretched and deepened. And my relationships with friends and family also deepened as a result of this series.

I just completed writing my performance notes for myself. During the performance of one piece in particular today - Stepping Stones -  I sensed the presence of a few men who have been very important in my life. Ed Maynard, Jim Landy, Harry Carmen, Ed Battisfore, Leo Conner, and William Dixon, Jr. created a love song greater than any I could write. These were caring men, harmonized to help others and unselfish in their giving. I had dedicated these performances to them. This is just a small thanks to the life that they have shown me.

Today's performance had some special challenges. The early time made it difficult for me to recover from last night. Members of my beloved family were coming and  I know I have their support, yet I also care a little bit more about what they think. So an added pressure to want to play well. They are also the inspiration behind Kinnara, Lost Ballon, & Gathered Hearts. My performance of many of the pieces today were spirited and overall I fell good about the performance. No doubt the continued performing over four nights had much to do with my confidence and coming to a greater understanding of the music.


Just as the leaves change in fall, so do I. This burst of color that came from my guitar this weekend will continue to change and grow in mysterious ways. May music continue to whisper in our lives. And may we all be blessed with wonderful support in our creative endeavors as I experienced this series. A very special thank you to the best wife for me - Joann Malone, my ever delightful granddaughter Annelise, and to the most amazing producer/engineer Tony Geballe. 

Photo by Renate Leisten

Choice

Part of my investigation of performance this year has been the exercise of choice. I moved from sitting to standing for instance. Now due to increasing pain due to varicose veins I have returned to sitting while playing. When I did it was with a different quality though. Now sitting while playing is an option, not just the only way I can perform. A major part of my AT work has been focused on having a choice in how I use my body. What can I do to be aware of my habitual use of the self?


I prefer being quiet during a performance. Initially this was a way to hide behind the terror of addressing an audience in words. I was suffering enough to just be able to show up with a guitar and play. If I opened my mouth they would hear my nervousness. Fool me to not know that they could already observe my fear and suffering. Through much work the fear of playing for others has been removed. Slight manifestations still assert themselves, but for the most part I am comfortable playing.

I'll never be one for audience banter, I do not believe it serves the music that I play. Yet their is this expectation or need or tradition that many people want communication from the performer other than the music. So I am looking for ways to exercise having a choice in addressing the audience. Where does it deter the flow of music; where might it serve the performance event. Might the event be about more that the music, a celebration or a memorial. As with all things in life, the quality of how the communication is transmitted is what matters.

I wrote these words in the afternoon. Now it is 11pm and Alive Again Day 3 is coming to a close. A great audience tonight as well as last night. Truly I am blessed. My playing felt better tonight, more confident. The audience was spirited and wanted more. We all enjoyed the improvisation with the bells. Progress not perfection.

Morning Thoughts

Alive Again Day 3 - Morning Preparation

From where do I come? What has shaped my core? What drives me to make music?

Beginning my day with some AT work and then at the computer writing just a bit. Another performance tonight. How can I learn from and build on last night? A distraction of the wonderful kind will join us today and I would not have it any other way. How to fold time with my delightful 10 year old grand daughter into my preparation? She has inspired several pieces of music and two of them will be performed tonight. So I am remiss to even consider this a distraction, rather than an encounter with the creative. What if I viewed every person in this way? The melodies and harmonies flowing from my instrument would astound me.

Looking at these words I realize an answer to my three questions - Love. Having just completed my morning practice this answer still resonates.

Alive Again Day Two

Awake at 7am after a good nights rest. Body feels good as I spend time with the AT directions. Another performance tonight, yet a full day ahead of me. How to use this day constructively yet maintain my energy for tonight. Fortunately I have experiences from within Guitar Craft to guide me in this area. So onto the beginning of my day.


A good morning with Qi Gong, sitting, breakfast, and then later time with people who mean the world to me. A great reminder of how much I have to be grateful for, of how much support I have, and of how much is possible for anyone. The word for today when we ended our Qi Gong session was "Connect." The rightness of this resounded on several occasions during my afternoon.


Needed a nap but this did not occur. Life goes on it was time to  warm up and sound check. Dressed and in the green room I made a decision to tell a story to the audience. A love story basically that underlies why I am calling this four night series Alive Again. For tonight this needed to be said, tomorrow we'll see. Continuing to find what is right for me in the performance setting.

Internal and external distractions affected my playing. What can I learn from them?

Alive Again Day One

10:15 am
Preparing the space - both within and the outer. The calm attentive approach to any task I perform today will support how I perform music this evening. I found it so nourishing to do Qi Gong with no regard to what time it was and then to enjoy our sitting. So wonderful to have breakfast with my wife on a sunny crisp fall morning while there are still enough song birds to greet the day.

I went to pick Tony up at 1pm in downtown DC but his arrival was delayed until 2pm. I took the opportunity to explore the Smithsonian American Art Museum.  I enjoyed many of the folk art pieces and a beautiful watercolor by Sam Gilliam. The layout of this  museum maximized the amount of objects and paintings exhibited but I was always right on top of everything. Found my attention distracted on several occasions by other patrons, but this also gave me the opportunity to redirect it.

We picked up soup and enjoyed this at home with Joann. Tony began setting up mics and cables while I changed strings. We sound checked at 6pm. At 6:50 I changed into my performance attire. We began at 7:30 pm. My playing felt relaxed and there were some fun moments. Did a good job of keeping what is important to me alive while I was playing.

The set list was:

Kinnara
Dancin' Free
Livin' the Dream
Here We Are
Matka Boska
Scattered Hearts
Stepping Stones
Gathered Hearts
Beneath Dark Images
Lost Balloon
Dandelion Wish

A light meal afterward followed by a few practicalities around the house. Day Two is tomorrow so I'm off to rest.

The End of this Process

I was pretty well drained after work yesterday. The emotions of my visit with my friend described in the last post, coupled with the demands of another day at work had me wanting and needing an evening off. I did let go of my AT class but knew I had to practice. Tomorrow night I begin the first of four live recording gigs with Tony so I could not afford to let go of my practice. How to generate energy and enthusiasm when I just wanted to go to bed at 7:30pm?

I also recognized that I was at a familiar place energy wise that arises at the end of a process. After having worked hard for a sustained period of time and with the end is close at hand is a hazardous place for me. To be inattentive or just let go now jeopardizes all that has been applied and generated. I am committed to my music making; disciplined in my approach; and as a friend recently pointed out - devoted might be the better term. But I just had no physical nor emotional energy, or at least I thought. The mind - the place where all my problems begin. What to do? I decided on a few small areas of three pieces I could work on. Then I  pulled myself out my large black reclining chair, hesitantly letting down the leg rest, and reluctantly went down to the basement.

Slowly I worked on just the first few notes of the arpeggio that begins Dancin' Free. Adding a few notes at a time I worked through the opening section. This slow considered work connected me to the guitar and to my previous practice sessions. My attention engaged, I began to forget my tiredness.  I was just slowly, carefully playing the notes. Before I knew it I wanted to practice. And practice I did, my process staying on track. I visited several problem sections and felt my energy rise. Played through a few other pieces and completed my practice.

Tonight I began again with these problem sections which are much improved and then played through the set. Tomorrow the process of recording begins. Time to exercise care with the beginning of this new process, after a good nights sleep. Stay tuned.

The Unexpected Music Lesson

There is a bowl gong from India that I have that was given to me by a dear friend years ago. I've never liked the tone of this particular gong but kept this present as a reminder of my friend. Tonight I saw him, perhaps for the final time as he is making his peace with a terminal illness. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and I did not want to leave him.


 I came home and thought of his poor mother. She is loosing her son, a great son. I can not fathom the depths of her pain. I improvised a bit, looking to settle in with my guitar. I attempted Gathered Hearts with the wish to send this piece to him and his wife, but my emotions were in the way of my playing. Then I thought of his mother again and played Matka Boska for her, his wonderful blessed mother. Still my playing was sloppy but my heart was there. At the end I found two chords and followed where they led. Perhaps a piece for my friend, or perhaps a way to channel my emotions and play my guitar. Time will tell on this, provided life allows me another day to play.

After I put away my guitar I saw the bowl gong on the shelf and took it in my hand. I invited this gong to sound once and then on the second invitation I heard the beauty of this instrument. The shape is different from the other bowl gongs I have known and my past efforts to sound this one did not take the difference into account. Enchanted by the beauty that has been in my basement for years, patiently waiting for me to find her tone. Mesmerized I played with this gong, hearing her voice for the first time. Wondering how many times in my life do I take the same approach to a person that has worked with similar persons in the past. When what I need is to be present to their unique qualities and subtle differences to allow them to flourish.

What a music lesson, the music of life, this visit has been.